Face Down.... Ass Up.... Thats The Way We....... Tie Our SHOES!

Well... I don't know about where you live... but here in California the weather is getting tit bit nippley around these parts.. So you know what that means?????

BOOT SEASON IS HERE AGAIN!!!!!

As with everything.... I wear high heel Boots... I just really don't dig flats in any capacity....

These are My Own Personal Babies. GUESS Platform Boots-Knee High

These aren't the only pair i have... but i have some :::::ahem::::: cleaning to do in my closet? so i have a pair of Really neat "Snub Toed" brown boots and a pair of "Cat Woman" Jessica Simpson Round Toed boots... and i think a few other pairs but who cares?

Lets Talk Boots....


Boots are pretty sweet for like cold weather and shit.... but if you're gonna go ahead and traverse the rain and all that... you might want to do it in some ugly ass rain stompers... i guess... see i wouldn't know because i don't wear them... but i do know that the heels on my boots you see above... slide out from underneath ya... Ive seen it... almost had it happen to me...but I'm such a champ i remember to distribute all of my weight to the front of the heel ... 

Better Detail

 In this picture you can see that the "Toe" part of the boot has a treaded rubber sole on the bottom... but that heel is a killer and i don't recommend going out when its like WET and RAINY in some stiletto Heeled boots... unless you are a champ (like me) You need some "Square Heeled" Boots. Oh fuck it.. let me dig out my brown boots to show you.... Santa......

  First Off i Might as well get this out of the way....... My post about being upset about the disarray in my closet... its not a joke.... check it out

Compare this hot mess

To This OCD Perfection.... SIGH...

............. So now that you've seen this you will see why its annoying for me to look for a shoe... and i only found one ahahahaha..... Anyhow... I found my "Rain Boot"

This is a NINE WEST Boot.

You can See the Heel isn't my Usual "hooker heel"

 My grandpa bought these for me one Christmas because he always thought it was funny that i wore heels and was 6Feet Tall.... Dunno why he thought it was funny... he was 6'4".......

     These Boots have a pretty sweet rubber sole... so slipping is minimal... and the heel covers more surface area so it helps your ass stay in place....

 So if you are going to choose a pair of boots for the "rainy season" you really cant go wrong with a nice pair of boots with a good solid heel... You could always do actual rain boots... but i have yet to find a pair that doesn't put me in mind of a crab fisherman when i see them.... there's just not one redeeming quality about a rain boot children... unless you are.... a child i guess... but then all i think of is RAMONA THE PEST
 ;)

 Anyhow... moving on.... if you're gonna wear your LEATHER BOOTS in any kind of inclement weather you need to WEATHERPROOF Your boots!!! I CANNOT Stress this enough!! Whether you use Scotch guard or some other weatherproofing agent... you need to need to NEED TO do this to your leather boots!! If you don't you run the risk of WATER SPOTS, these strange ass SCALY PATCHES on your boots (Usually where they bend *at the ankles, toes*) They can become discolored and just generally look totally unsweet.... You can find instructions on weatherproofing online HERE

Now i KNOW some of you are like "well I'll by-pass those whole debacle by wearing faux leather... and get around the slipping by wearing flat boots".... fine... do what you have to do.... i don't give a rats big fat fart about your fucking flat ugly ass boots... 'specially if you don't care about my totally awesome super hero-esqe high heeled knee-high boots.... bitch....  and don't even BOTHER giving me the whole PETA schpeal about leathers and furs and whatever the fuck else you have your hard-on for at the moment... because i don't give a dead bunny about that either...

So if you wanna wear some .... uuuhh..... "faux" leather shoes... you know... that's on you.... No seriously... i know some folks who will do these:

Hey honey if you want to look forever 21 (Cheap as fuck) all your life then by all means go head... i haven't worn an ankle boot since i was in like 4th grade... and that's because my grandma didn't understand my hatred of ugly shoes. But She learned.... eventually....  anyhow... these "boots" (its a shame to call them that... their kinda like ugly ass "Granny boots" without the gay ass heel) are usually made out of cheap materials that end up "peeling"/Cracking off of the shoe itself... but if you like that look... by all means honey... go forth....

"Booties" kinda make me gag too... tho even I will admit that #3 is kinda hot...



 allll except one pair that i didnt get to try on because the Macys in San Francisco Didnt have my size...


There's just something about these that i find sexy... even tho its a "bootie"...i just think it would look and feel awesome... tho of course i would love it even more if it was knee high...
 

Or I know some of y'all are gonna wear these:









   In which case not only are you committing the sin of the flat boot... you are also compounding said sin with the sin of the slouch boot.... and you should be shot down....
I guess my obsession with knee High Boots comes from a love of Super Hero women who all had kick ass boots... there's not one super hero that i can think of who didn't have the sexiest outfits all tied together with a hot pair of heels... and YES YES YES i know comic books at the characters therein were all created for MEN... but as a woman who doesn't really like women as people to begin with (not very many close female friends on this end) seeing a strong woman who doesn't deal in drama and isn't the damsel in distress... and isn't a Betty or veronica... was a very powerful message...

 Helloooooo SHE-RA was my fucking INTRODUCTION to some hot ass mutherfucking boots... i remember BEGGING my mom for some just like hers.... she kept saying "when you're older..... maybe" probably hoping id forget.... well mom... i didn't... and the lust just got worse... you shoulda just given in... maybe i wouldn't be the way i am now ;)



And YES i know some of the bitches wear flats... but their ALWAYS made to look like their wearing heels... so fuck you  and the flats you walked in on :)

 I GUESS what it all boils down to is what you feel comfortable in... i mean its you that's gonna be sprawled out on your ass in the end... not me... so by all means wear what you want... just don't wear em around me if you KNOW their something I'm not gonna be too keen on.... and for the love of sweet fat Santa... don't fucking ask me "These are cute, right?" because 9 times out of 10... you wont fucking like my answer.... not that you like my opinions much now.... but you have to admit their informative.... and if their not informative at least their entertaining....


Lets move on... shall we?... now i will admit this is a realm of boot that even *I* in all my power and shoe savvy.... have yet to delve into..... the OVER THE KNEE BOOT.... or even.... the THIGH HIGH BOOT.... i guess i just don't think the PRETTY WOMAN HOOKER BOOT look is all that attractive... tho as with the "ankle boot" there are a few pairs of Over-the-Knee/Thigh High Boots that i wouldn't mind being spanked in bed while wearing (hint hint J)


 Oh yes honeys.... we're FUCKING GOING THERE!!!! Built in Leather GARTERS!!! EAT IIIITTTT!!! And then Sop the rest up with a MUTHERFUCKING BISCUIT BABY!

 If you're gonna go big.... go all the fucking way, Right?


  So what did we learn today??

Its Boot season!
Waterproof/weatherproof your leathers!
Don't buy cheap ass shoes unless you want to buy three times as many pairs as you would for just splurging on the better pair...
Knee High Boots are Sexy
I like to be Spanked
I don't like women that much
Thigh-High Boots may need some looking in to....


Wow... we learned allot today... and most of those things are relevant to the topic ;)





Next Time we're gonna cover BEING THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE and shit... since this is the season where its better to give than receive and to like reflect on your shit or some such shit... I'm gonna go through my shoes... one. pair. at. a. time. and we're gonna document them together.... it'll be fun for me... and hopefully interesting for you... either I'll take video.... or just post some pics....prollllly the pics... because i don't understand video editing and all that jazz...



Say Hi To the New Addition JW!!

 He likes the sweet ass fucking sounds of QUEEN... and it seems THE VIOLENT FEMMES.... He was the contributing editor on this blog... meaning... he laid around farting allot making me have to fan him off... and also meaning that i don't really care if there are typos or anything because i was busy viewing the cute....

JW And Ziggy.. perhaps the longest they've ever sat QUIETLY together....

Clever little witch.........

Yaaayyy its shoe day.... Ok I've decided that "shoe day" will be any fucking day I remember that I enjoy shoes..... Or any day I have something particularly interesting to rant on n on about..... So yaaayyyy its shoe day!

And I'm at the fucking gym on a level 20 elliptical while I type this shit out... Listening to some awesome shit in my ear holes.... Who's a multi-tasking mutherfucker?????

Hey! Over here!

Let's get this shit started:

Are crafty? If you are, consider yourself lucky.... I have a friend who can make old shit look like it was always made to look the way it turns out when she's done.... Like she found this ugly ass end table.... Flipped it upside-down.... Raped it.... Painted it.... And now its an awesome dog bed.... I kinda envy her....... Mainly because I can't do half the shit she does..... My expertise lies in shoe acquisitions, my inability to have one conversation without a cuss word in it, my instant ability to cut you down to size (my rapier wit.... Hahaha "tell her I have a rapists wit"), and my baking skills (I'm like a pirate june cleaver.... Apron and all)

I recently got a new job..... And its working out pretty sweet.... Closer to where I live.... Better co-workers (for the moooooost part -ones an absolute douche) and its paperwork... and allot of checking and details and phones and all that jazz.... Which I enjoy because I can keep pace when shits going fast... But when needed I can calm down stuff pretty well.....

Anyhow.... The new job is like in the "country" and I...... Am not.... I haven't camped anywhere for any reason a day in my fabulous shoe filled life...... And I intend to keep it that way.... Especially since J has filled his "camping" quota for a lifetime thanks to his being a US Marine and all ;) so I don't have to worry about those "fake-cactions"

The POINT of me mentioning the country aspect of my job..... There are wild ass bunnies running around...... And I see em all the time and the only two things I think are;
A: "damn bunny fur is soooo soft and 'fwuffy'"... I remember when my mom bought me a pair of rabbit fur lined black gloves when I was like 4..... I LOVED them... I wore those shits OUT children..... And I've wanted something as soft ever since..... Hence ("yea... HENCE") my love of all things fur and fur related..... Now I'm not talking of the bullshit nasty ass fruity "plushie" obsessed..... I'm talking straight up cruella DeVille infatuation..... Which my grandmother fed by telling me that the silver fox stole was mine when she passed away since I was the one who wore it at every given opportunity and "formal" (thank you Grandma Tommy.... You may have UFC fighting skills.... But I enjoyed ya)
B: (yea I'm still simi on topic) "I wonder how long itd take to catch one...... And kill it......."

Yep.... I want to catch a thumper just so I can...... "Undress" him/her.......... And then when the hide is all proper (see this is where I'd need help..... I dunno how to preserve the hide appropriately without making a hot bloody/matted mess) I want to cut pretty decent strips..... And place them on the back of a hot pair of sling backs!!!!

Tell me you've seen the same fur accented christian loubontin heels I have!!!!!

My my my my MY..... I do love them I do I do I dooooo.....

I just don't want shit so "feathery" like those tho..... So I want like a nice black or white rabbit fur accent to the back..... Or a tasteful "wafer" of rabbit fur on the toe of the shoe.... Like a sweet wafer of fur over the peep of a peep toe.... Thatd be sweet....

But alas...... I am not crafty/martha stewawrtly gifted enough to pull something like that off..... I can sit in silence for 5 minutes visualizing my mother in a kitchen cooking most anything.... And have a pretty decent recipe form in my head to replicate the things she made...... (Tho I have yet dared to create her grandmothers fried chicken (I don't like chicken on the bone.... And I don't like chicken with skin on it..... And I'm not really that sweet at frying shit yet)) but I cannot make THINGS..... Oh I try.... But I don't have an artsy/crafty bone in my body.....and I have even less patience for shit when it like needs time to do anything other than rise (so like "drying" "setting" or in any way having to be made in steps and I'm not gonna get to eat it or feed it to someone afterwards....) Is Pretty much out.... But hey..... If you have a decent set of heels and a hot glue gun and  YOU wanna spruce em up some.... I fucking salute you soldier! And I wish you god's speed!

I think my ultimate lust in life -other than a dream of  being a shoe BUYER for like a neimans, bloomies, nordstroms...... Or even a high end macys.....  Would be to DESIGN shoes.... And have a whole slough of.... Ahem..... "Reasonably priced" labor make them..... Or hell a crap load of fashion design interns..... I mean I understand the basic ABCs..... I just can't sketch what's in my head..... At least not Very well.... But I have the superpowers of being well spoken and quite verbose... (Natch) and I think I could get my point of view across well.... And I'm sure I could learn the actualities of construction and then have an even more hands-on approach to the process..... God that would rock..... I enjoy the changing nature of the fashion industry (including shoes and accessories) but I love that something can also come across as really "classic" and able to be versatile at the same time... It can be worn for years...

I have so many ideas going through my head... Once J comes home I might go back to school once we're pregnant and take a few fashion design courses for research.... Maybe it will give me an introduction to the important "construction" basics I lack...... At any rate it would save J money eventually if I am able to make the shoes I constantly visualize, search for, "kinda" see in the stores... And then hardly wear because they weren't "what I thought they'd be" and they didn't scratch that itch of need......

Being able to make my own shoes would send me to a whole orgasmic level of shoe love! LET'S DO IT!!!!!!

I'll have to do some (lots) of research.... And we may have to buy a house in a more...... Fashion friendly yet industrial..... Area of california (hello San Francisco!!! Mamas coming HOME)

Hmm..... I am going to devote my life (well I'll devote my weekend) to seeing how I can bring this all about..... Damn I may be crafty yet...... By crafty I mean manipulative and the owner of a man who's single goal in life is to make me happy.......... Kidding.....................

















Kinda....................

I'm obsessed with being obsessed

So I'm sitting here looking into the jumbled mess of shoes that is my closet.... And it's really getting on my nerves.... I moved from a house with a decent shoe rack... Maybe not high class hoity toity but it was functional and I liked it pretty well.... And I moved into a shitbox apartment because I thought J was coming home and we'd be able to jump right back into either my grandfathers foreclosed upon home (where I'd been living) or into a new one... And then.. Well you know... Lets not fucking dwell in that pile of woe-is-me ok??

So I didn't get a house.... Yet.... So my poor babies are at the bottom of... I guess you'd call it a closet.... My clothes hang there..... And there's supposedly room at the bottom for... I dunno... I guess people put their shoes there... Anyhow.... My shoes are there... At the bottom of this.... Space... And their all jumbled and commingling and like hanging out... Some on the left side and some on the right... And some fucking like roaming away from each other..... 

"Oh you wanna wear that red ribbon tie strappy sandal??? Too fucking bad!!! HaHA! Here's the left shoe.... Go fuck yourself on the right one"

So I can't find a matching pair to save my soul... Which really irks me... As my shit was always color coded and quite obsessively neat.

.... So I'm looking... And I WANT to do something about this... I do... But I just don't have the room to move my babies where they need to be.... So I obsess about not being able to obsessively display my whares..... I'm obsessing about the fact that I obsess over obsessing.... See the spiral?????

Pretty much my options are: get rid of some shoes (likelihood of that happening: 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001%)

Put shoes back into a box and just wait it out (yea right that would defeat the purpose of LOOKING at or for them)

So I am forced to go in on my hands and knees and root around like a cave woman... Things could be worse i suppose...

And I just bought a new pair.... Ok two new pair... Their still in the box because I don't want to just throw them in... And I don't want those ghetto target or Walmart shoe organizers either... Anyone who has their shoes on a door rack needs to be kicked in the shins and have their shoes taken away... And all of their shoes with laces tied together...

...... I'm gonna just have to suffer and let this mess go until J gets home.... I can't even close the "doors" (sliding monstrosity things) on them..... Because my shoes are spilling out in a desperate bid for freedom..

God help me.......

Sometimes there are things more important than shoes....

I have this amazing friend. His love for his family is boundless and pure.

He always takes time out of his busy stressfull days to send me little "I'm thinkin about you" texts or phone calls (that I still have saved on my phone and liste

n to sometimes when I need some cheering up.) And it never fails that these little tokens of caring and concern come on days when I just want to sink to my knees and cry. Now he lives in Louisiana and I in California. His birthday is the day after mine and I feel that as Gemini's we have a strange bond.... And he just proves its true time and time again.....

 

This is his story

I have hopefully entertained some of you. Some of you I may know personally, I'm asking you to pay it forward now. Any small donation I may be able to garner from this blog will go a long way in helping someone who obviously goes out of his way to help others. This is no joke or scam, he is not asking for donations to line his pockets; but to get things DONE. This is not someone who "just doesn't want to work" or is too lazy/irresponsible to save money on his own. This is my friend who I have seen pick himself up, dust himself off, and move on from one disappointment to another, and then start to scrape together his life again. He moved from Louisiana to California on his own, got work, made a life, befriended a bitchy waitress or two (me and a couple others... But mainly me ;)) and let everyone he met into his heart.

 We can either help him fix a house that is becoming dilapidated, or we can help them get the home they deserve.

Johns closeness with his sister mirrors the closeness I have with my brother. And in these trying and stressful times while I wait for J, I do not know what I would do without my brother. So I know what this would mean to John and his sister.

"Many small people, in many small places, do many small things, that can alter the face of the world.” Anonymous 

Moving forward some.

Put notice into my job today.. Got tired of being taken advantage of and of my hard work either going unnoticed, being unappreciated, or criticized.


I'm over it.... I'm moving back into an administrative assistant position.... Then when J comes home we will have normalcy.... Which is what I crave believe it or not....




..... And the damn gas prices have just got my ass DOWN children !!!  Santa already.

Stay tuned.... Cause you know I bought some cute ass shoes to celebrate ;)

The big score

You know you want them.

 You know you look at them and drool.

You know you're already putting the "perfect" outfit together in your head....

You know you can taste the pleasure of touching them....

You know you have day dreams about how they're gonna sparkle in the sunshine....


......but you also know you cannot afford them...

  Hey I've been there man! Boy fucking howdy have I... Almost every month! And that's where the DESIGNER INSPIRED SHOE (don't wanna call them knock offs I guess cus that shits illegal) comes into play...

 I have a few sites I go to to get my fix... I'm also lucky enough to be friends with a few folks in the high end shoe business who are my "enablers" and give me steep ass fucking discounts..... But since I can't name names on that  y'all are just gonna have to take the gifts I'm about to bestow and do with it what you will... Or get your own shoe pimp....


So before I start just handing out My little treasures... I'm gonna have to go ahead and say a few things (come on kids you know me by now... I love giving info) .... You NEED to be fucking careful... Seriously! In a search for a pair of heels last night... I came up against 2 scam sites... They seem legit... But when it's time to pay... It redirects your ass to some odd ass site that does not seem secure... And when I thought to myself "fuck this noise I'm not that damn desperate for a bargain" and backed out (totally exited the site before I submitted ANY PAYMENT INFO) I thought I was all clear.... Oh helllllll no...

 At 1150something Cali time... I get a fucking phone call... And as we all learned in a past blog.... My honey has been called up back into the Marines So I am paranoid that I'm gonna get a call that either he's hurt somehow... Or that he has to go before I can rape him.... But no... It's some Chinese chick talking in either an über whisper... Or just her little Chinese chick voice and I'm like "what the fuck?????" and she informs me that my order for my shoes has had a problem with the payment.... It didn't go through.... To which I let bai ling know that the problem is... I didn't finish the order because it looked fishy... So there was no problem with the payment because the payment wasn't made... She tries to like somehow convince me that "no no the website is very ok" and I finally get fed up... Tell her it's almost midnight in California so if she called me again I'd ram a knitting needle up her ass.... I don't know who hung up first... It was prolly me... But you know she wasn't too far behind...

...then I got an email from a HOTMAIL address... Just to add to the Jank-assedness that this chick is trying to get me to go along with.... And it's like "girl... Give up..."

So I cannot stress this enough... If it looks "too good to be true"..... It prolly IS!!!!

Well what the fuck how do I get these damn designer inspired shoes you're gushing about????


....patience.... And practice... And common sense... If the site does not offer secure payment (meaning that your shit will not be used for ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT YOU ARE AGREEING TO PURCHASE... Which most sellers offer...) or there isn't a way to get a 100% refund... RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!!

 To remedy this you COULD use a prepaid gift visa card... but if you get burned you're still gonna be out whatever you were burned for.... so i mean if you got the balls... go for it.... i have the balls... so sometimes i take that leap... and sometimes i belly flop like a motherfucker....

If the site has no "feedback" or "customer comments".... don't bother... in today's day and age fucking everyone is bitching about everything... so you know that if someone else got screwed we'd allll fucking know it right away!

GOOGLE IT!!!!!! Google the damn website... that's how you can find most scams or "iffy" businesses.... sometimes you can find a website that gives you a percentage rating of how trustworthy the website actually is... anything under 52% i don't really bother with...

Just because a site may say "_whatever business___.Org" doesn't mean that its legit.... you kinda just have to go with your gut here... here's a link to some rotten ass fish...  these are the shoes I'm trying to get currently


if you're afraid to make payment on the site.. don't do it... nothing is worth your bank account getting drained...

don't just search online for "christian loubontin knockoffs".... try to figure out the shoes NAME.... trust me this could be a challenge all on its own... but say for my red white and blue peep toes... i googled just that.... and i came up with the fact that they are called "miss America" so then you google like: Christian Loubontin Miss America... and usually you'll get some people blogging about how much they love them... but then you can click around and get to sites that offer them....


be careful what you are willing to pay...because allot of times these shoes come and they are flawed or made differently than you would see a CL or YSL shoe... in which case...duh...they gotta alter them for infringement reasons... trust me... unless it looks like complete ass.... no ones gonna notice...and it'll just be our little secret...

try not to be in too much of a hurry to get your fix... or you could seriously fuck yourself over... just take your time... don't go with the first thing that pops up offering something...

you may find something better for a better price! don't count out DSW people! they don't have CL or YSL or JC but they do have allot of cute shoes that come in!! before you get burned look at legit shoe places for deals on other things!

don't get heart broken if you cant have THOSE... i think I'm gonna have to wait for J** to come on home before i splurge on anything like the "miss America" sling backs...because no where is offering them without trying to rip me off...

don't give out personal info or sign up for anything unless you want to be bugged at all hours of the fucking day or night... like i did with the damn Asian trying to harass my ass at midnight!

remember: these people don't care about you. you're in the jungle baby doll..... and we're all out to get something here...

don't always think eBay holds the key and that you should just "spend the $500 because at least you wont get ripped off"....I'm telling you... if i can find deeply discounted footwear....what makes you think the seller cant? If you can hardly tell the difference between the real thing and the discounted.... then unless you bought them from neiman marcus or bloomingdales your own personal self...you're gonna have to be very cautious.


finding shoes is fun and exciting and when you score big you feel good! but you cant expect to not take a few lumps when you're just learning things... the only way you can protect yourself is to not play fast and loose with shit...


i hope this helps a little... because the deeply discounted shoe is your friend... its just the fist full of assholes trying to sell said shoe to you that is not your friend!

Child.... My life is a crazy train

So you know how you plan things.... And then other things come along to derail your ass?? Oh you don't?? Well isn't your life just peaches and cream!



.... So I've been trying to compile and check my sources of cheap shoe goods.... And no one wants to be on blast for producing designer knock offs.... Hey I guess I understand.... No one wants jail or fines.... Which lets face it.... That's what could happen.... But for the budget friendly minded gal out there who still wants her inner beast to be placated.... What are we gonna do??


All I know is that in the last month of contacting people to see if they want to be featured... I've gotten allot (almost all) saying "fuck no you crazy"

So what's a girl to do?

Compound on that the fact that my man is still.... Yes STILL in training for god knows what..... I'm kinda lonely and don't have much energy to pretend to be interested in much else but what's going on in foreign countries......

....then you have your usual "sneaky" people attempting to rain on my parade... Man I seriously thought that at 29 I could be free of this... And for the most part I am... I mean I don't associate with women on a personal level because allllll they do is talk about each other or try to out do each other..... It's just the nature of the beast I suppose.... But I only really deal in truth... So you know... It's hard to have any real lasting relationships in life because you just don't find too many people who can reconcile how the world actually works, with how they THINK it works....

Needless to say I have a five page letter that will be distributed as I see fit in the not too distant future.... I never said I wasn't a bitch.... I'm just saying that instead of whining about something I'd rather nip it in the bud.... It's gonna be epic.... Almost as good as shoes.....

On a happier note I just celebrated my fifth and final years anniversary married to my ex husband.... This sounds crazy becaaaaaauuuuusssseee..... We're still legally married... But hopefully in 6 months time... We won't be.... Fucking finally.... I finally figured out where to go and how to do it and how to fill out the papers and what needs to be signed by whom and how many fucking COPIES you need of each thing (trust me... There were allot... Pretty much everything in triplicate and some things needed 6 full copies)

 I can't honestly say "fuck you California" for fucking making it so goddamn difficult to get divorced.... To get married you have to go to the courthouse for a license... Raise your fucking right hand and swear an oath that you are not nor currently married... Pay a small fee.. And TADDAAAAA you got it.....  But to get a divorce.... Oh honey... Let me just say... Don't get married until you KNOW you're old enough to handle it.


 So I filed.... 2 days before my 5 year "no alimony" divorce cut off... I mean why would I want his money?? J** makes enough for two families to live comfortably... Ha and I did cuz he was supporting my ass and his own... BAM....



whatever... its done now and hopefully will just sail through the court system because I mean we don't love each other anymore... we each have other people... well i have J** and he has a "friend"...which is hilarity squared because i mean come on.... its not high school any more...


now the next stage of life (besides giving tips on how to get "deeply" "discounted" footwear as we shall start calling it) is to hop on the baby makin train... i have baby on the brain.... but because of the legality of being married and adultery being an issue my husband could hold over my head in divorce proceedings.... and J** not making it home when he was supposed to.... I'm SOL.... but now that the papers are signed and all of our agreements and "what he gets/what she gets" is submitted and cant be changed or added to now... I'd go ahead and say that I'm home free........... of course..... I'm going to have to stop smoking..... again..... hey my shit is stressful man!!!


but i have the day off tomorrow... so I'm gonna just put what i have up of how to FIND deeply discounted footwear up... i of course have to fucking tweak it and make it make more sense... and then fucking take out allot of the sites :/   But it will get done....

Couldn't do it.. Just couldn't find it in my heart....

So.... I'm depressed.... Not like "I'm gonna kill myself" emo kid shit.... Not even "everyone hates me" depressed.... So I guess maybe its not "depressed"....?

 I'm having mild feelings of abandonment... There ya go... That's what this shit is...


....so here's life... Here's the facts of life today as I know it...

.... My man is a United Sates Marine.... I feel the need to say it that way because sometimes when I say(write) that he's a Marine... I don't want to conjur images of a fucking fisherman or something really unjazzy like that.... So he's a US Marine... And he has been a civilian (active reserve) for.... I dunno... 6 years??.... And I've known him/been "with" him for almost 2 years...

....ugh I guess I should also mention that for all intents and purposes..... I am.. In fact... Still legally married to my first husband... He didn't hit me... Didn't abuse me... Wasn't a BAD guy... He was just... Lazy... And not just "doesn't pick up his socks" lazy or "doesn't offer to help with shit around the house" lazy (I mean he WAS... But that I can deal with).. He was lazy in the relationship... Didn't make time for me...didn't include me in his time off from work... Like he was off weekends... I had to work till 12pm sat & sun... But I'd get home by 1245 or 1pm... So that's like... Hang out time... Right????.... No... I'd get a text at 9am (while I was at work) saying, "I'm gonna hang out at __________'s house".... The first couple times I was like "ok no biggie we'll hang out later... Or... Tomorrow... Couples need fucking time apart too... All good... I'll read me some books.... Paint my nails... Watch fucking America's Next Top Model reruns... Whatever....."

    But the kid wouldn't get home till fucking 11 or 12 at night.... Sometimes later and I began to feel very lonely and isolated.... As awesome as I am.... And as fucking hilarious as I find myself... I just don't really have a shit load of friends in my little black book to call up and all that because.... I'm a bitch.... But more because I can't stand females... I just hate the shit they say and do to each other.... I can't fucking stand it...

Anyhow...needless to say... I started to not be happy in the relationship... And I tried taking my husband to dinner... Just him and I... So I could sit with him and tell him without any distractions... That I wasn't happy..... And he'd be like "ok ill work on it".... And then the next weekend would come along and I'd be planning picnics and bike rides in my head... And come 9am... I'd get the text....


.....allot of you are like "who fucking cares... Where is this rant going??".... Shut the fuck up.... I'll get there....

....another point of contention was the fact that I really wanted to start our family.... And he.... Didn't... We used to have the "I want the baby to have your eyes and your nose and my lips and...." convos.... But then the convos became
Me: (playfully)  where's our baby?
Him: (not playful at all) ... We can't afford it.


....since when in the fucking world was that a requirement?? Shit half the people who have kids wouldn't have them...

...but then I started to feel like if I had a kid... I'd only be trying to fill the void in my happiness that my husband should have had....


.....so then.... I met J**.... It was innocent... Started off with "hey this person is way cool and funny and funny to talk to/joke with".... NOTHING HAPPENED PHYSICALLY.... We hung out sporadically.... I lost touch with him a few times.... And then in 2010 we just started emailing and texting and then calling.... And the feelings really picked up from there... But here's the crux......... we have not.. let me repeat that HAVE NOT been TOGETHER (physically) since we FIRST MET...

.... say whhhhaaatt???........... its true... I like to call it our "creepy Christian Relationship" because its like we're both saving ourselves for Marriage... which is so not the fucking case... but we've been apart for 2 years so... you know... we have had a "long distance" relationship since we decided that feelings of love had developed... how did this crazy shit happen? you may well wonder... well... I hate to sound all cliche and shit...but I really do fall in love from between my ears first... then my heart takes hold and I'm gone........ I loved his sense of humor, his strength, his laugh, his openness to whatever I felt like blurting out... He never once was like, "dude you're a bitch" when I would get pissy or mad at him for odd reasons... He stuck in there... and he Loved me... He honestly and without being around my awesome rack...Long Legs... or Bangin "Monroe-esqe" Bod... Loved me... oh yes he was ATTRACTED to me... as i was with HIM... but we fell in love with each other's PERSONALITIES first...which is so much more lasting....

... so He's from Florida... yea... Florida... How'd we meet then??...... use your brain... i ain't gonna come out and say it so use your goddamn brain..... And he works for GM... and those of you who are either A: Clueless, B: too young to care. C: From another country, or D: stupid as a box of hair.... you may know that "The Big Three" (used to be Four but its really GM, FORD, and i THINK Chrysler... but i could be wrong there I'd have to ask J**) went into... Bankruptcy...GM was part of the "bail-out" and they closed a SHIT LOAD of dealerships in the US that had not been performing well... so J**, being a single guy at the time... gets offered a shit-load of money to go all around the eastern United States... closing the dealerships down properly... and then.. WE MEET... and fall in love.... well hes already under contract to close the fucking things down so we both think "if we stick it out... he'll come home and we can start the relationship right and he'll have a good solid job".... so he gets close to finishing... then GM decides that they want to send him to fucking TENNESSEE to REOPEN a decommissioned SATURN factory so it can produce The Chevy  Equinox... so that put a wrench in our shit... and I'm thinking "fuck it.. I can do this... I can wait this out"

We're in constant contact... we text... call... phone sex.. the whole deal... we're good... I'm good... its ok... He's been there since OCTOBER... now this place is like 6.1 MILLION square feet big ok... so its taking fucking time.... aaaannnddd... just last month.. he tells me (FINALLY) that hes done.. all he has to do is start the plant up.. it has to run for 72 hours (which i made him convert into days because I'm a moron) with NO PROBLEMS... and then hes DONE.... Well... whatever can go wrong will right???............. a fucking 2 Ton fire door FALLS and crushes the test car... so he spends 3 weeks trying to get this fucking door up and hung back up... without it FALLING FLAT on the floor because then it'll be fucking impossible to lift... and its like a 300,000$ fucking door...

...... and then... one morning... he texts me at 9am or so to ask me how I'm doing... i text back i was "lonely"......... and i get no response.... so at 10am i text "thanks" because i think hes being a dick and just doesn't want to hear me whine anymore........... at 8pm i finally get pissed enough to CALL him..... and his phone is shut off.... my heart drops... all kinds of things go through my head: Did i piss him off???? Is he dumping me?? Did he find someone else and got caught talking to me and the bitch made him shut his shit down??? DID THE FUCKING DOOR FALL ON HIM???? Is he MARRIED and his wife found out and shut his shit off????.... I'm freaking the fuck out....
.....I finally figure I'll email him because i don't have any other way to contact him.... the next day i get an email.... he's been called up by the Marines and he had to leave his job and go with them... now i had to google allot of this shit because J** and I never talked about his job in the Marines... I know what he did... I know his job... I know numbers that normal people do not know.... but I cannot and will not explain what that means because his safety is first and foremost to me... but i had to google "called up"... it pretty much means J** was Active Reserve... and he has been asked back into the Marines because of his specific job making him an asset...

.... so he had to leave his job... which meant turning in his company phone... and go wherever the nearest Marine base was..........

 so to ME... he abandoned me... he says he only had HOURS to get his shit and go... i still wonder why he could just fucking text me real quick??...... so there's where my abandonment feelings come from.. i feel like he left me... dumped me... dropped me... i understand NOW that he had no choice in the matter and that by being ACTIVE reserve... it was ALWAYS a possibility that he could be called back up..... but i guess i just took it for granted that the fucking country was coming out of all the "conflicts" that have been going on... and i don't have cable so I've been blissfully unaware of whats going on in the world... and I've been happy as a clam planning our vacation to Hawaii and all over California.... and now.... we're farther apart than before.... and so.. I'm devastated... and every time we email... my feelings of hurt and anger and abandonment come to the surface and we argue... we argue about how he doesn't understand my feelings... and how he feels the same and i don't understand that... and how he never says that he feels the same till I'm pissed so no wonder i don't understand him... fuck... its lame... its very lame....


This has no become the lamest most annoying post... ugh... but i swear i have an idea for the next post that may make up for all this bullshit here.... I'm gonna share with you my favorite websites and tricks to get........ wait for it................. DESIGNER KNOCKOFFS!!!!!! Or Deep DEEP discounted Designer Shoes!!!! yaaaayyyyy.............



and I'll prolly do this post before Monday... and then hopefully still have something for Monday too....


I'm seriously sorry but I felt the need to explain whats been going on in my life that makes me withdraw from shit... and I know its like "well this is just your rants about shoes"... but in my ever present quest for shoes... My dream is and has always been to really come into being a SHOE BUYER for a Major Department store... so i feel that this could somehow segway into such a thing.... iiiffff i could stop cussing ;)

Devistation on the home front....

My honey has been called up for service. We got so close to him coming back home..... I'm blown away that this is happening.... But I hope that we can be together despite this....


I don't have an idea for Monday's blog..... But I'm trying... I'm just so scatter brained right now... I have no clue what to talk about.... I guess I'll have to switch to military shoes... And how to keep your feet healthy :(

shoes i want... Always on the quest for the Perfect Shoe.......

The hunt for the perfect red shoes has ended
Hale Bob  Glitter Heel
 Bordello pink platform glitter pump

Emerald green high heels

Finding THE perfect shoe!

As always (lately) I'm a lame ass and totally forgot what day it was.... Thank you job for hurting my feet and scrambling my brain.... I know the DATES.... Just not the DAYS at any given time... Ah well... I caught it.....



 This week I would like to talk about..... Finding the perfect pair of shoes for a special occasion... Dances/parties... Weddings (your own or if you're a guest) christenings.... Or even funerals...


 Choosing the perfect pair of shoes that complement your chosen outfit is not as easy as it seems. You have to really take the time to select your shoes. Just because you may have (or may not have... Deals are out there for the adventurous huntress) paid tons of money for them does not make them the perfect pair. Take the time to walk around the house with your chosen pair of shoes on. Dance in them.... Do almost everything you would do normally around the house in your shoes....

There are a few things to really consider when buying shoes for special occasions (weddings, christenings, house warming parties, cocktail, etc.)

1: heel height. You have to choose from high (my personal favorite, and the bulk of my shoe collection.) High heels are elegant and really lean the legs. They are however, not a favorite for dancing, or standing for long periods of time. 

  There is also mid Heel, they really aren't too high or too short for the average heel wearer... I'd say a "mid heel" is from 3"-4".... But I am probably wrong because to me that's too short... But to most that's too high... From what I've read in magazines and fashion sites, the mid heel "flatters any height and figure".... But my knowledge on that is pretty limited.... 

...... I gotta stress here that I am not Giselle or whatever model is "in" now.... I'm 6' tall, and have Marilyn Monroe-esqe curves (I have hips, and boobs and a white girl ass ok?? *i.e. low ass amplitude*) so I'm curvy but not fat... If that makes sense... So for ME and my OWN personal tastes and talents.... I tend to go for the HIGHER/HIGHEST heels I can get my hands on.... My love and passion are what I like to call hooker heels and my grandma always called "fuck me shoes")

.....random offshoot.... I can hear my upstairs neighbors boning..... Gross....

.... So my personal tastes are attempting to get in the way here... And try as I might I just can't fight everything....

.... Wtf she just answered the phone in the middle of her session??? I'd be pissed if I was "the dood of the week"...... Fuck sorry... It's just so random and disrespectful that my neighbor is so fucking loud... That bitch stomps on my head when I'm yelling at my dog.... Whatever... Moving on... Sorry...

...back to shoes..... After high, and mid.... You have..... You guessed it.... The thorn in my fucking side.. Low heels.... There's something about comfort and yada yada yada...I refuse to believe low heeled shoes exist... Sorry... Moving on...

There are allot of things that need to come into play when you are picking (or buying NEW heels....hint hint....) shoes out for special occasions...

You gotta keep in mind... The VENUE...wherever the event is going to take place is VERY important.... Garden/Tea parties held out doors in actual gardens... Or the dreaded funeral (a sad but true part of life... And in the last 3 years ive had to go to 3 funerals) Are gonna play hell on your heels of ANY height... Your gonna sink into grass, sand, mud, whatever's out there to sink in... You're gonna fall victim.... Unless that is you follow my simple instructions... When walking grass.... Walk on the BALL of the foot..."aren't I already doing that by wearing heels in the first damn place?".... Nope... Many of you are still shifting your weight back to the heel... That's why your heels make the "click thump" sound.. Cus the heel strikes first and then the ball of the foot.... That's ok that's ok.... Thats normal dudes... I do, you do, everyone does it ok? But what I'm saying is to keep your weight balanced on the FRONT of the shoe not the heel WHEN WALKING ON GRASS or other softish surfaces... And your heels won't sink and get muddy! Trust.... And try it...

You also gotta consider comfort... You're prolly gonna have to be wearing your shoes for most of the day, so you kinda gotta pick something that's comfortable enough to do all of your standing, walking, and dancing in.... Unless you (like me) don't really give a rats ass then GO FOR IT!

Something people don't really think is all that much of a deal... Is the COLOR of your shoes.... Now I'm not saying wear a green dress with orange pumps or pink with baby shit brown... Unless that's the look you're going for... In which case... Hey...right on.... But most people tend to pick "safe" (boring) neutral colors.... Why not go crazy?? For my aunts mother-in-laws funeral... I wore purple heels (because that was her favorite color) for my grandpas funeral I wore pink... Very bright pink... (Because he liked my shoes bright).... For my moms funeral I wore the "something blue" manolo blahnik pump (i dont know how else to describe the color) 

  I just dig bright shoes... So add a pop of color to your feet. It don't hurt no one and sometimes that's just a little way to honor someone...

Another cool thing we get to consider with your shoes are the embellishments! Jewels, beading, glitter, rhinestones, embroidery.... Just don't have a holly hobby pair of shoes where shit falls off.... You'll have a "show girls" moment on the damn dance floor

Your shoes really do have the potential to transform your whole persona! You just have to know what can complement your outfit and accessories in the best possible way.. And if you keep the heel height appropriate for you needs, the venue, the comfort, and the color in mind... Everything else should tie together nicely!

Keep your heels, head, and standards high..... The world of high heel myths..

So I'm not sure if I'm just friends with some scardey cats... Or if my acquaintances really feel this... But in talking to a couple of squirrel friends... They've asked a couple questions and after I laugh and call them stupid.... I kinda wondered myself.. So I made myself more informed... And thus.... I am sharing this knowledge with y'all.... Hey... What kind of fairy shoe mother would I be if I taught you to hunt for shoes.. But didn't teach you how to use their power?..... Not a very fucking good one that's for sure!


So let us begin:

Shoe myths that should go out the fucking window.

1: High heels give you back problems. Well I guess they COULD if you walk around like lurch all the fucking time... High heels actually make you walk taller with your shoulders back because they shift the center of weight. As women (well... If your well endowed like myself and countless others... Hey whether you bought em or grew your bounty their yours!) our "center of gravity" is usually more to the front of our bodies up towards the top of us (your tit area... For those of you who are either mosquito bitten, or just plain don't get it) only people with predispositions to back problems have a higher probability of having back problems in the first place. Walking in 5-6" heels for extended periods of time can cause excess pressure on the front of your ankles... The part you look right down on.... But I know few people who wear heels 8 hours a day 7 days a week...

      When I worked in an office I'd take flip flops or cute flats to work to wear on my lunch break or when I went out on errands and had to walk around town a little... I suggest the same for anyone on vacation or at work. Does wonders for ya!

Myth 2: high heels make my muscles cramp up and make my legs sore... A: stop your fucking whining; odds are your using muscles you didn't even know fucking existed till you strapped your puppies into some heels... And B: women who wear heels actually have stronger muscles than those who don't!

 Yep, it's true. Wearing stilettos actually strengthens your leg, pelvic muscles, and your "core" or tummy muscles. When wearing heels everything tightens up to hold you into place... You usually feel it more in your calves and don't even know that your doing kegal exercises all day...but you are! When your foot is forced into a certain position (Barbie toe) the pelvic muscles tighten and contract....
   You also tend to suck in the tummy more when in heels too. I think it's just the body's natural reaction to your legs tightening while wearing heels..... Sweet! A work out and a vagina firming!!! Ding ding ding!!!! We haaaaavvveee a winnaaaah!!!


.......quick trivia moment.... Just found this out actually while I was looking for a picture to spruce this shit up... High heels were Made for soldiers In the 1500s Who needed a way to keep their feet Snugly tucked into their stirrups while riding on horseback.... See children... Cross dressing is normal!


Myth 3: pregnant women shouldn't wear high heels..... Well OK even I'll admit that this one has SOME validity... And this has only come up because so many of my squirrel friends have just been pregnant and now have the baby, or ARE pregnant.... But it's kinda funny because none of them really wore heels to begin with... But I guess as I am the go-to shoe gal... And I kinda wanted to know for my own personal self, as I am wanting my own little bundle of joy just as soon as the ink on my divorce papers is dry.... So I asked... And this is what I now know..

It's really a matter of balance and equilibrium. Being pregnant makes walking in heels more challenging. The extra weight while pregnant shifts your center of gravity, and makes stumbling all the more likely....

  Ok, well... i get that wearing sky high high heels is probably not the best idea in the world when you're hauling around allot more weight than usual...but as a trained high heel wearing professional I have been told that, as long as the feet, legs, or ankles are not swollen or sore, you can wear heels well into your third trimester. It seems that most women just don't feel like traipsing around in much more than slippers or flip flops when their feeling like a beached whale..... Usually the discomfort of the swelling is what makes most ladies steer clear of high heels. Many women cannot even fathom stuffing their piggies into REGULAR SHOES... let alone into 5" heels.... well let me be the first to vow to wear heels for as much of my pregnancy as i possibly can... i don't know why you wouldn't want to wear heels to be honest with you.... you gotta keep some sex in your life while your husband is around you and you bein' all moody and fucken free willy'n and shit...

Myth 4: Just in General, high heels are "bad" for your feet. It seems most of the myths are about back and foot pain... so in my research of these I actually found that high heeled shoes are "bad" for some women (flat feet, wide feet, predisposed to back pain, leg pain, neck pain) but high heeled shoes actually HELP women (like my own personal self) with HIGH ARCHES! That's right babies!!! If you have High Arches your foot is actually MORE comfortable in a HIGH HEELED SHOE than when wearing a flat shoe.

   Those of us with high arches run the risk of injury from shin splints (The term "shin splints" refers to pain along or just behind the shinbone (tibia) — the large bone in the front of your lower leg. Medically known as medial tibial stress syndrome, shin splints occur during physical activity and result from too much force being placed on your shinbone and connective tissues that attach your muscles to the bone.Mayo Clinic ref.) foot and heel pain, and planter fasciitis (Plantar fasciitis is inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot. This tissue is called the plantar fascia. It connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of the foot. PubMed Ref.) and stress fractures.

I found this out while asking what may be wrong with my feets... and since i have some scccaarrryyy high arches.... it seems like that's whats wrong with em.

see there's muh foot in some flats... look ridiculous too.

Myth 5: High Heels cause Varicose Veins. Hell no! There is no proven evidence that high heels cause varicose or spider veins. Varicose or spider veins are actually............ HEREDITARY, GENETIC, or happen if you have a HISTORY OF BLOOD CLOTS.... in which case that is something you need to be cautious about all for your own self.. not because of the shoes you wear.

Myth 6: I might slip allot in high heels because they usually don't have rubber soles..... this is a true and a false statement of fact... you may in fact slip and roll your ankle or fall on your ass if you wear high heels and walk on a surface that is smooth (no not ice you fist full of assholes.. I mean like HARDWOOD FLOORS *which heels aren't good for!* or surfaces wet with rain or water *dance floors*) if you do not know how to balance yourself in heels. For me its all about balance and PACING... I recently went to San Francisco with my main Bitch Toby to go see SHARON NEEDLES at a meet and greet party... and i wore my 8' high platform Betsy Johnson Wedge Heels




  And Toby and I walked to go get a drink first at a near by bar... well i have no problem walking in my babies... but I had to PACE myself differently.... he even remarked once when i was like "bitch wait for ME" that "I'm just not used to you having to walk so goddamn slow"....and its true.. in my regular 5" heels I'm a rabbit about town.. darting here and there... but anything higher and you have to slow your shit way down girl...

  Getting back to the SLIPPING issue tho....There are also these really awesome traction pads that are made for heels!

Non-Slip Grip Pads

They totally work to make you feel more stable... i like these the best because they cover more of the bottom sole area of your heel than other ones I've seen.. and they don't look ridiculous like the damn "foot petals" ones that have the gay ass scalloped edges.

Myth 7: High heels make EVERYONE look sexy..... how do I put this gently... no... no they do not..and YES I know I wrote in a previous blog about how high heels make you feel sexy... well... that's just what I said dude... they make you FEEL sexy... but looking sexy... and landing a man if your single... its not a sure-fire fix-all gonna happen type of thing....

   High heels aren't fucking miracle cures! (AND NO I am not gonna sit here and act like I'm fucking the end-all be-all say-all of what BEAUTY is.... I got flaws... I've got some weight that's being firmed off at the gym... I got foot pain..but I know that what I got could bring some boys to the mutherfucking yard.... not that I'd want them to be in my yard... or that my Boyfriend would like that much either... moving on....) But The sad fact of the matter is Just because a pair of high heel shoes or stilettos may look amazing one person doesn't mean they will look amazing on you too. You should always be aware of how your body type may affect the appearance of the clothes, shoes and accessories you wear.... you know you've done the "muffin check" where you see someone who is wearing clothes she CLEARLY shouldn't be... and you run your hands up over your hips to check for muffage.... and even if you're a size 3.... you know that if you try to stuff your stick thin ass into a 0 or a 1 you're gonna have issues..... just face it bro... no one likes pump fat...those who have it prolly don't even like it... it looks uncomfortable.... "mmmkaaay"

So with all these most common worries debunked... I guess I can admit that there ARE some drawbacks to wearing heels...

   as I said above, high heels are fucking HELL on hardwood floors! They actually strike the floor with more force per inch than an elephant's foot (as much as 10,000 pounds per inch) and as the HEEL of a high heel isn't even HALF an inch wide (in my case anyhow) that's gonna be a bitch to fix!

  Wearing High heels all the time causes KNEE problems. Its because the heel angles your foot, and thus your leg, in a strange angle until you get up to the pelvis where you self correct without even knowing it....its like your heart beating man... it just...... happens.... But usually the knee problem comes from the pressure that travels up from the foot and is absorbed by your knees as you walk in your heels... simple solution... do what i fucking said and take flats if you have to move "from place to place" and wear your heels when your back in the office, or in the car, or like at fucking court or something.... duh....

 Other than that, and falling on your fucking ass, or falling while pregnant... I don't really think there is anything to be afraid of! So you go on out there with your head held high, and your bazooms proudly thrust forward, and your eyes ahead... and you WALK honey!  Because no matter how short you are... with the right pair of shoes... there will always be someone to step on.....


Say Hi... or remind me not to suck at life and forget to blog about hilarious shit!

I have not abandoned you.....

I have had the month from hell y'all.... House hunting.... Fucking worrying about my honey back at fucking work again.... 8 and 10 fucking day in a row work weeks for me... I shouldn't complain dude... My husband hasn't had a day off since..... Umm..... Well it's been at least 9 months..... And he works 18+ hour work days.... And to top it all off... I'm worried about the constant pain in my feet...


  I used to be able to cha cha around in my heels all day and think nothing of it.... But for the last two months all I can stand is about 4 hours. My heels are mondo bruised bros.... Like constant pain day and night... It is agony to put my feet down when I get out of bed... And we all know that walking.... Is kinda a privilege one shouldn't take for granted... And when you can walk.... You kinda do it allot....

So I'm not TRYING to ignore my shoe blog... Trust me on this.. But I'm faced with a possibility Of surgery to reconnect torn tendons to my heel if I can't fucking find a good solution.... And I'm afraid as fuck of needles, doctors, bills, and having any part of me fucking cut on... I don't like blood and I like pain even less... Well I mean the constant nagging pain of recovery from having my shit torn open and operated on... And the recovery time is at least 6 fucking months if I want to be able to ever wear my high ass heels again.... So yea... Other things on my mind...

 But tomorrow I actually already have an outline of HIGH HEEL myths I am totally gonna get all myth buster on y'alls asses with! Because too many people I've talked to are like "high heels are the debble" and "they ruin your posture" and all that bullarky.... And their not and they don't. So you can tell the nay Sayers to suck your ass.

And before you think that high heels did this dirty juju to my feet... You can stop right fucking there.... FLATS did this to me!! I think because I hardly ever wore them... And going back to work to occupy my time has required me to a: wear fucking flat shoes 6-8 hours a day, ans b: be on my fucking feet for that long! So yes children... My feet have been trained to "Barbie toe" since I was a wee young lass (I swear I think I was the only bitch in high school who wore heels... Everyone even scoffed at my kick ass black wedges and thought they were scandeloso..)


 But tomorrow... Some shoe myths I've come across will be debunked..... I promise.... So as Jesus may or may not have said, "don't fucking abandon me aye, cuz I'm gonna be back with a fucking vengeance" *dont quote me on that..... The bible has never been my strong suit... Aggressive competitive cussing and shoe hunting is my forte***

New iPad.... Must get used to it

Oookkkk... I'm just full of excuses aren't I????? But seriously...I just moved into the new "technology" times and got myself an iPad... And despite what a spoiled brat I may seem like... I rarely buy very expensive TOYS for myself (for some reason the price of shoes dont reslly factor into my "expensive toy" thought because i think of shoes as more of a necessity) but my brother and my husband were pretty insistent that I do something for myself, and to be honest.... I wanted some kind of tablet pc because when I go on vacation with the honey I'm going to want to be able to blog about the hideoderous shoes that I see.... Well for that reason and because we are on the hunt for a new house and I would like to be connected to my email when we're out and about... Without having my damn blackberry on every waking moment... . I'm so tired of phones that I can't see straight anymore... The phone and the Internet are the only ways I get to stay in contact with my husband as he is in fucking tennessee and works upwards of 18 hours a day sometimes (sometimes more) . But I'm trying to get used to the iPad and all that it does (or doesn't do I'm finding out) and this little ass key board is fuuuuuccckkkiiinnnggg annoying... I don't really dig touch screen.... And being the amazon that I am.... I feel like a giant on a little itty bitty fuckin calculator... I'm gonna have to invest in one of those keyboard things that connect via Bluetooth cuz even this little blurb is taking toooo much time.. So maybe today after I get the keyboard thing I'll blog fully on what I meant to.. But until then this is all I have... Cuz I just wanted to explain why I suck this week too... And don't woooorrrryyyy... This weeks REAL blog won't be "whaaa poor me I love my shoes too much" or anything super lame like that :) I'm thinking about writing about the constant search for the perfect shoe...... Or how to find a particular shoe without knowing the designer.. Or what the name of the shoe is (which my cousin and I came up against last month, and when my dog ate my purple pumps... I'd had 'em so long that they were no longer in season....) Yes I have shoes that I've had for a good long time that I haven't worn yet (my ziggySoHo black frilly scrappy sandals... I've worn the purple ones I've had...but not the black yet...) Ok I hate this keyboard, I gotta go Say haaaaayyy

My over-emotional attachment to my shoes..........

       I have this weird relationship with my shoes. I have this super odd attachment to them. I can recall where i got a pair from, what i was doing before I got them, how much they were, who i was with, how long it took me to find them, what else i considered before i bought them..... I just have an insane love for what I know best I suppose....

  so with that said... with my rain man-like ability to recall seemingly random facts about useless shit... I'll explain something I touched on in a previous post.........



I'd like to introduce you to........

These.................are my "Yellow Shoes Of Death".........

  I don't say these are my yellow shoes of death because their so fucking awesome (which they are... trust me).... I say it because..... well....ok... here it goes...... These were the shoes I was wearing the day i found out my Mother had Died.... it was the FIRST time i had ever worn them (got them on ebay.... 29.78 *shipping included* after a 3 week search for "the perfect yellow heel"... I also bought a pair of giraffe print double platform heels from a different seller...) I fucking loved them... and waited for the perfect time to wear them to work... I'd just bought the cutest yellow bolero jacket that matched the sunny yellow color of these shoes....

        And then I was walking to my car to go make the bank deposits for the retail stores My office owned in the area..... and I noticed my mama had called and left a voice mail........ so I listened to it while I was walking to the car............ and it wasn't my mama.......... it was my 21 year old brother telling me that our mom had died...... my mother..... who I just called 2 days before.. and didn't talk to because my brother had said she was sick and didn't feel good.. had died..... my mother had laid down at the end of her bed... leaned back and seemingly fell asleep......... but never woke up.........
    Needless to say.......... when I finally got home that day... I'd taken my shoes off and put them in the closet.... and laid down to cry myself out a little.... and I've never had these shoes on my feet again.... never even put them on to see if they're still as awesome as I remember...


 So there you go... now you know about "the yellow shoes of death"........... and honestly...... I kinda feel better finally sharing that information... and looking at my shoes on the floor in front of me as I write this... I kinda want to put them on.... but a part of me is still scared that maybe they hold some kind of odd ass bad luck... I dunno... we'll see...

........... I also remember every pair of shoes that my honey, J, has bought me. I remember the shoes I had when I was little (hand-me-down vans slip ons.... before they were fucking popular... and I hated them and cried every time I was forced to put them on because they were BOYS shoes).... and I ESPECIALLY remember the shoes that have been RUINED since I got my dog, Ziggy.

This is Ziggy Clarke.... and don't be fooled by that fucking face... he's a dream smasher....

  My bug as eaten three pairs of flip flops (fuck em those shits are a dime a dozen as far as i am concerned. One pair of Steve Madden Purple peep toe strappy sandals

These... he ate these...

He fucken ate the purple ones after id worn them FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME!!!!!! But I'd worn them to a funeral... so it must be something about my "sad" shoes that he doesn't like.. fuck if I know... or maybe hes a douche...

I have another pair of shoes I wore the day I met my honey that I love and cherish and have only worn twice since meeting him (I don't want to fuck em up! They have memories now!)

The Purple Pair of ZiggySoHo Heels (yes i loved them so much I got them in black too. I haven't even worn the black ones)

So not all my shoes are"sad" but that is usually the reason I cant wear them anymore.


Enough of this sad crap..... next week will be about THE SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT SHOE... I am currently in the market for a pair of Yellow heels... go figure... but it is summer after all ;)


        I know this wasn't even half as long as last weeks long ass rant and rave... and you may think "bitch was a day late to post and all she did was tell us the death shoe story"........... but thinking about that really takes allot out of me... it was my mama... I miss her every day. Every Single Fucking Day. She was the only person in this world, (besides J (but I found him after we'd both lost BOTH of our parents)) who loves me for me. She loved me despite my fucking gratuitous cussing... she loved me despite my cold heart and inability to see things from other peoples perspective. And she loved my shoes and loved hearing my stories that I would tell about how I got them and who I had to fight to get them....


  So until next week... look through your closet and see what memories may be evoked by the shoes that are held in there... you'd be surprised...

                 Elizabeth Mae Clarke

I've worked 7 days in a row with out a day off.... so bare with me...

........... monday's are shoe rant days... but im just too fuckin tired.... im sorry y'all.... i'll update tomorrow.... i already have the outline of tomorrows strange ass topic "shoes i cant wear anymore"...  its about my over emotional attachment to my shoes... and it explains my "yellow death shoes" that i breifly mentioned in rules-weeks blog...

   I'll be on my 8th straight day of fucking work tomorrow without a day off... but i have the 4th of july off! But i WILL update Tomorrow....

...until then... as always... keep it classy... or keep it as classy as you can while you kick ass at life.......

You can find me on FACEBOOK and bitch me out if you want... but i'll just cuss you out.

The Art of Shoe Shopping

shoe shopping.... for me.... is an art form... it is... as I said in last weeks blog... a predatory state... in which I hunt and stalk my prey... and carry the carcass around with me....

 So you're asking yourself "what in the bloody hell is this girl talking about?????".......... allow me to take you on a journey with me... one that my poor husband and brother has had to go on time, and time, and time, and time again.... close your eyes.... well don't... you have to read.... so imagine, if you will, a crowded shoe store. A beautiful metropolis where shoes lay before you as far as the eye can see.... we can be anywhere you like.... DSW perhaps? or are we at... Macy*s sales racks? ......whatever..... now I want shoes.... anyhow....

      For this exercise we're going to take a pretend trip to DSW because this is where I have to do this the most... but I LEARNED this at Sample Sales in San Francisco and honed my skills at Nordstrom Rack in Sacramento.....

     This is what is going through my head as I take it all in: so the store is teeming with bitches... and they all have one thing on their mind.... they want what I want.... everything and anything I have come for or may find... they fucken want it....and in actuality... they may not... and usually they wouldn't DARE try to wear the shoes i prance around in.... but in MY head thats what is happening. They want the limited prey that I have my eyes on....

    but I had to learn this the hard way my sweets... so I am going to give you a heads-up on what to do, how to do it... and how to do it RIGHT.....

  So you glance around... and you're getting the stank-eye  (real or imagined... doesn't matter to me)... so you break off from the pack (this is where shopping with a "friend" gets annoying because you cant ditch the bitch to go out on your own unless you each wear a different size) and you stalk your way up and down the aisles of your specific shoe size... (ever notice those size 6 twits get racks and racks of shoes????? and sometimes they even try to be assholes and slip some of theirs in with yours? I fucken HATE that).... but you're prowling your racks... looking them up and down, left-to-right, right-to-left.... and then BAM you spot something that makes your heart flutter... and you take it out of the box... only to discover that its patent leather... fuck that shit.. you throw it down on the floor... discarding it as lame or somehow diseased.... only the strong survive here children....

 AND THERE... another flash of something you know your heart has been in need of... what is it? Betsy Johnson... with a 50% off sticker? And its not hideous?? And it doesn't look like something she slapped together in one of her drug-induced "inspirations"????  AND its actually YOUR SIZE?????? So what do you do???????? You take ONE SHOE out of the box... whip your shoe (and sock if your one of those who wear those kinda shoes *hey to each their own*) and you stick that baby on your foot.... and you do the MAIN rule.. you look at it FROM ALL ANGLES.... and its perfect... you love it... so.... you take it off of your foot?? NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!!!! you WEAR that bitch! you keep that shit on your foot and you HOBBLE your ass around to the next rack!!!! Don't even bother to grab the shoe box for the match.... WHY??????............ because that leaves you more room in your arms for..... MORE SHOES... duh!

 As you're hobbling along like one of the THRILLER zombies..... you spot.... LEOPARD PRINT PEEP TOE SLING BACKS..... WOOOSH off comes the other shoe and sock and ON goes the peep toe... and you apply your ANGLE rule... and you love it... but oh shit... you have something pretty similar already in your closet at home... just this one is calf hair.... do you risk it and take it anyhow?? maybe...keep it on and either throw your original shoes in your purse... or have your significant other (or brother if he's unlucky enough to be with you...) hold them and traipse off... are we wearing two different shoes now? yes...yes we are... now you turn the corner and you see one of those little bench things that doesn't have anyone's ass on it... now here's your chance to be sweet.... have your shoe holder (spouse or other but NOT YOUR PURSE...please don't leave your own shit unattended unless its TRY ON TIME and you're going to be RIGHT THERE WITH IT) sit their (un)happy selves down.... (this way they don't bitch the WHOLE TIME you're moving on) and keep on your merry little way... oh... your heels aren't the same height?..... deal with it! if that's your only complaint on this journey consider yourself lucky....

 Moving on you spot something else... a flash of pink... blue (not likely since blue heels seem to be scarce) or some other color you're in search of... oh shit... what do we do? both feet are occupied... that's OK... NO DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR SHOE HOLDER! You take ONE shoe.. and you HOLD ON TO THAT BITCH... you caught it... its yours until you say otherwise... so hold onto that muther.... and keep going... half a row down there's something else that tickles your fancy... apply the same strategy and just hold on to it... keep going till your at the end of your size section... at this point you have two different shoes on your FEETS.... and saaaayyy.... 3 or 4 different shoes in your arms.... unless you are that awkward size of 9.5 OR 10 like i am (or whatever HALF size you may be... you may be 6.5 BUT can also WEAR a 7.... or 8 or 8.5... i find that sometimes you can go UP half a size... but never DOWN *unless you're a freak like i once was and was able to go DOWN instead of UP... which doesn't make much sense.... it was because of my eating disorder... which I don't recommend... but I did get to try three different sections of shoes so THAT was fun*... sucks don't it?) so anyhow... depending on where you are in sizes.. or if you cant budge either way and can only wear YOUR SIZE... you may have an arm-load of booty...

 This is ok... and preferable... this allows you to go back to your shoe holder at this time... (if you didn't have a shoe holder and you've been carrying all your shit yourself this is ok too... you simply take your prey to one of those bench things...) and you dump your kills.... and NOW you can take off your original two finds.... and of course trade them for one of the ones you had in your arms.... and you simply apply the Angle Rule to each shoe.... or get an opinion of your lover or friend or other such "shoe carrier"... so let me say here... my honey doesn't mind shoe shopping as long as he gets his seat... he likes to look at me in the heels just as much as i like lookin at em...

  So now we've seen them all... at this point.. we've pretty much narrowed it down... so say out of... 6 shoes... we love ONE PAIR... or Two... or hey fuck it we want those pair of peep toe leopard print sling backs even tho we have a similar pair "somewhere" in our closet (right next to the giraffe print double platforms... but don't worry I wont tell if you don't) we'll get em.... so say you love two of the 6... NOW it is safe to venture BACK to find the boxes and the MATE to the shoes you left behind... What do we do with the cast off/discarded shoes tho?.......... fuck em... leave em... they cant be helped... there's no hope for them now...let the vultures have em... because whether you know this or not...there may have been some buzzards circling you.... especially at the all dreaded SAMPLE SALES.... they're just waiting for you to lose your focus and drop something or put it down and walk 2 steps away from it then SWOOP! That bitch has what you may have decided on if you'd had the chance to really look at it.... this is where the SHOE HOLDER REALLY  comes in handy... because they could hold your shoes... not just the ones you walked in with... but the ones you hunted for and claimed as your own.... see they could hold ALL 6... while you go back and get ALL 6 boxes!!

  "How do we find our shoes??" well because you are more than likely the only person who understands the art of shoe shopping... you just retrace your steps and look for the boxes with ONE shoe chillin in them... you collect the other half of what you have worked so hard for... go back to your shoe holder... and try on to your hearts content... Follow your RULES (mine, yours, jesus'... whatever... you know you have "rules" even if you don't call them that) and make your choices based on what you need/want/cannot live without....

 There are many reasons I do this and why it works; A: because you keep the vultures from getting something you have yet to see if you'd like; B: to be able to apply your RULES at your own sweet pace... sometimes it takes me a few mins per shoe to figure out if I really want them.. and its always best to have both shoes to make the decisions because sometimes I find something wonderful, put both shoes on.. and find that I walk out of one of them (this is where my half size plays tricks on me) so I cant have them because its not SAFE to have them... and I don't like those heel insert things because... I'm sorry... they simply don't work for me.. I have bony ass feet and those shits just don't add enough to fill the shoe for me... or they still rub and give me blisters....... C: to cut down on the confusion of "did I like this one or that one more?" because you kept them all near you... D: Like a Leopard pulling its kill into a tree to keep the other asshole Leopards from getting to it... you are the only one who gets to mess with the shoes at that time; E: You don't waste any time hemming and hawing till the end... where you have all of your choices in front of you... because if you go shoe by shoe by shoe you waste time in FINDING the shoes that are up ahead that someone may grab out from under your nose because you weren't fast enough to them...


 "What do you do if you go back to your shoe box and its empty? Someones taken the OTHER SHOE??".... just wait... cus usually the vulture is right there... scratching around and trying to figure out where the other shoe is... if you have it on... just wait...if its back with your "shoe holder" great cus they'll never think that its gone that far away. 9 out of 10 times they give up and leave your precious where it is.. so you can swoop over and "rescue" it... IF they don't give up... (and your on some silly kind of TIME CRUNCH...which would be ridiculous if you're SHOE SHOPPING in the first place) you can either decide you can live without it..but HIDE the one shoe you DO have (never EVER just walk back over and place the shoe back in the box... that shows weakness...and that shit will get you killed in this jungle children)... I find shoving the shoe YOU have in the MENS section is always a fun way to get even.... or simply mosey on over and cry "oh THERE'S the other shoe...I wondered where I'd left it...aren't they DARLING??" to which they cant really say shit...especially if you have it on your damn foot or in your hand ;)


It took me a few sales to get this information...but here I am... giving it away for free... why? because I want to share the joy of the hunt with my fellow shoe lovers.... am I afraid that someone I know may use this information against me...to do this said same thing to me? No, because I don't hunt in pairs.... most of my friends cant wear my size...why do you think I let them be my friends? (only slightly kidding there... tho I don't loan shoes out... that'd be like letting a friend "borrow" a baby to get something *revenge?* from someone "look what I have and you don't" when they don't really have it either.) Why do you care so much about shoes? well that's like asking "why do people like their kids?" "Why is the fucking sky Blue?" "Why do bitches gotta hate?"............ because goddammit...sometimes shit just IS........

 So until next week my sweets... take this new found knowledge... apply it...trust me..you'll begin to see "the hunt" in a whole new light... especially after seeing results.


and since this blog as been devoid of photos and is simply full of info... here... heres my shoes all organazized as i call it....

finally found a way to stuff more shoes into the shelves.... the back and front also shows THE ANGLES!!!!

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