Keep your heels, head, and standards high..... The world of high heel myths..

So I'm not sure if I'm just friends with some scardey cats... Or if my acquaintances really feel this... But in talking to a couple of squirrel friends... They've asked a couple questions and after I laugh and call them stupid.... I kinda wondered myself.. So I made myself more informed... And thus.... I am sharing this knowledge with y'all.... Hey... What kind of fairy shoe mother would I be if I taught you to hunt for shoes.. But didn't teach you how to use their power?..... Not a very fucking good one that's for sure!


So let us begin:

Shoe myths that should go out the fucking window.

1: High heels give you back problems. Well I guess they COULD if you walk around like lurch all the fucking time... High heels actually make you walk taller with your shoulders back because they shift the center of weight. As women (well... If your well endowed like myself and countless others... Hey whether you bought em or grew your bounty their yours!) our "center of gravity" is usually more to the front of our bodies up towards the top of us (your tit area... For those of you who are either mosquito bitten, or just plain don't get it) only people with predispositions to back problems have a higher probability of having back problems in the first place. Walking in 5-6" heels for extended periods of time can cause excess pressure on the front of your ankles... The part you look right down on.... But I know few people who wear heels 8 hours a day 7 days a week...

      When I worked in an office I'd take flip flops or cute flats to work to wear on my lunch break or when I went out on errands and had to walk around town a little... I suggest the same for anyone on vacation or at work. Does wonders for ya!

Myth 2: high heels make my muscles cramp up and make my legs sore... A: stop your fucking whining; odds are your using muscles you didn't even know fucking existed till you strapped your puppies into some heels... And B: women who wear heels actually have stronger muscles than those who don't!

 Yep, it's true. Wearing stilettos actually strengthens your leg, pelvic muscles, and your "core" or tummy muscles. When wearing heels everything tightens up to hold you into place... You usually feel it more in your calves and don't even know that your doing kegal exercises all day...but you are! When your foot is forced into a certain position (Barbie toe) the pelvic muscles tighten and contract....
   You also tend to suck in the tummy more when in heels too. I think it's just the body's natural reaction to your legs tightening while wearing heels..... Sweet! A work out and a vagina firming!!! Ding ding ding!!!! We haaaaavvveee a winnaaaah!!!


.......quick trivia moment.... Just found this out actually while I was looking for a picture to spruce this shit up... High heels were Made for soldiers In the 1500s Who needed a way to keep their feet Snugly tucked into their stirrups while riding on horseback.... See children... Cross dressing is normal!


Myth 3: pregnant women shouldn't wear high heels..... Well OK even I'll admit that this one has SOME validity... And this has only come up because so many of my squirrel friends have just been pregnant and now have the baby, or ARE pregnant.... But it's kinda funny because none of them really wore heels to begin with... But I guess as I am the go-to shoe gal... And I kinda wanted to know for my own personal self, as I am wanting my own little bundle of joy just as soon as the ink on my divorce papers is dry.... So I asked... And this is what I now know..

It's really a matter of balance and equilibrium. Being pregnant makes walking in heels more challenging. The extra weight while pregnant shifts your center of gravity, and makes stumbling all the more likely....

  Ok, well... i get that wearing sky high high heels is probably not the best idea in the world when you're hauling around allot more weight than usual...but as a trained high heel wearing professional I have been told that, as long as the feet, legs, or ankles are not swollen or sore, you can wear heels well into your third trimester. It seems that most women just don't feel like traipsing around in much more than slippers or flip flops when their feeling like a beached whale..... Usually the discomfort of the swelling is what makes most ladies steer clear of high heels. Many women cannot even fathom stuffing their piggies into REGULAR SHOES... let alone into 5" heels.... well let me be the first to vow to wear heels for as much of my pregnancy as i possibly can... i don't know why you wouldn't want to wear heels to be honest with you.... you gotta keep some sex in your life while your husband is around you and you bein' all moody and fucken free willy'n and shit...

Myth 4: Just in General, high heels are "bad" for your feet. It seems most of the myths are about back and foot pain... so in my research of these I actually found that high heeled shoes are "bad" for some women (flat feet, wide feet, predisposed to back pain, leg pain, neck pain) but high heeled shoes actually HELP women (like my own personal self) with HIGH ARCHES! That's right babies!!! If you have High Arches your foot is actually MORE comfortable in a HIGH HEELED SHOE than when wearing a flat shoe.

   Those of us with high arches run the risk of injury from shin splints (The term "shin splints" refers to pain along or just behind the shinbone (tibia) — the large bone in the front of your lower leg. Medically known as medial tibial stress syndrome, shin splints occur during physical activity and result from too much force being placed on your shinbone and connective tissues that attach your muscles to the bone.Mayo Clinic ref.) foot and heel pain, and planter fasciitis (Plantar fasciitis is inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot. This tissue is called the plantar fascia. It connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of the foot. PubMed Ref.) and stress fractures.

I found this out while asking what may be wrong with my feets... and since i have some scccaarrryyy high arches.... it seems like that's whats wrong with em.

see there's muh foot in some flats... look ridiculous too.

Myth 5: High Heels cause Varicose Veins. Hell no! There is no proven evidence that high heels cause varicose or spider veins. Varicose or spider veins are actually............ HEREDITARY, GENETIC, or happen if you have a HISTORY OF BLOOD CLOTS.... in which case that is something you need to be cautious about all for your own self.. not because of the shoes you wear.

Myth 6: I might slip allot in high heels because they usually don't have rubber soles..... this is a true and a false statement of fact... you may in fact slip and roll your ankle or fall on your ass if you wear high heels and walk on a surface that is smooth (no not ice you fist full of assholes.. I mean like HARDWOOD FLOORS *which heels aren't good for!* or surfaces wet with rain or water *dance floors*) if you do not know how to balance yourself in heels. For me its all about balance and PACING... I recently went to San Francisco with my main Bitch Toby to go see SHARON NEEDLES at a meet and greet party... and i wore my 8' high platform Betsy Johnson Wedge Heels




  And Toby and I walked to go get a drink first at a near by bar... well i have no problem walking in my babies... but I had to PACE myself differently.... he even remarked once when i was like "bitch wait for ME" that "I'm just not used to you having to walk so goddamn slow"....and its true.. in my regular 5" heels I'm a rabbit about town.. darting here and there... but anything higher and you have to slow your shit way down girl...

  Getting back to the SLIPPING issue tho....There are also these really awesome traction pads that are made for heels!

Non-Slip Grip Pads

They totally work to make you feel more stable... i like these the best because they cover more of the bottom sole area of your heel than other ones I've seen.. and they don't look ridiculous like the damn "foot petals" ones that have the gay ass scalloped edges.

Myth 7: High heels make EVERYONE look sexy..... how do I put this gently... no... no they do not..and YES I know I wrote in a previous blog about how high heels make you feel sexy... well... that's just what I said dude... they make you FEEL sexy... but looking sexy... and landing a man if your single... its not a sure-fire fix-all gonna happen type of thing....

   High heels aren't fucking miracle cures! (AND NO I am not gonna sit here and act like I'm fucking the end-all be-all say-all of what BEAUTY is.... I got flaws... I've got some weight that's being firmed off at the gym... I got foot pain..but I know that what I got could bring some boys to the mutherfucking yard.... not that I'd want them to be in my yard... or that my Boyfriend would like that much either... moving on....) But The sad fact of the matter is Just because a pair of high heel shoes or stilettos may look amazing one person doesn't mean they will look amazing on you too. You should always be aware of how your body type may affect the appearance of the clothes, shoes and accessories you wear.... you know you've done the "muffin check" where you see someone who is wearing clothes she CLEARLY shouldn't be... and you run your hands up over your hips to check for muffage.... and even if you're a size 3.... you know that if you try to stuff your stick thin ass into a 0 or a 1 you're gonna have issues..... just face it bro... no one likes pump fat...those who have it prolly don't even like it... it looks uncomfortable.... "mmmkaaay"

So with all these most common worries debunked... I guess I can admit that there ARE some drawbacks to wearing heels...

   as I said above, high heels are fucking HELL on hardwood floors! They actually strike the floor with more force per inch than an elephant's foot (as much as 10,000 pounds per inch) and as the HEEL of a high heel isn't even HALF an inch wide (in my case anyhow) that's gonna be a bitch to fix!

  Wearing High heels all the time causes KNEE problems. Its because the heel angles your foot, and thus your leg, in a strange angle until you get up to the pelvis where you self correct without even knowing it....its like your heart beating man... it just...... happens.... But usually the knee problem comes from the pressure that travels up from the foot and is absorbed by your knees as you walk in your heels... simple solution... do what i fucking said and take flats if you have to move "from place to place" and wear your heels when your back in the office, or in the car, or like at fucking court or something.... duh....

 Other than that, and falling on your fucking ass, or falling while pregnant... I don't really think there is anything to be afraid of! So you go on out there with your head held high, and your bazooms proudly thrust forward, and your eyes ahead... and you WALK honey!  Because no matter how short you are... with the right pair of shoes... there will always be someone to step on.....


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