So.... I'm depressed.... Not like "I'm gonna kill myself" emo kid shit.... Not even "everyone hates me" depressed.... So I guess maybe its not "depressed"....?
I'm having mild feelings of abandonment... There ya go... That's what this shit is...
....so here's life... Here's the facts of life today as I know it...
.... My man is a United Sates Marine.... I feel the need to say it that way because sometimes when I say(write) that he's a Marine... I don't want to conjur images of a fucking fisherman or something really unjazzy like that.... So he's a US Marine... And he has been a civilian (active reserve) for.... I dunno... 6 years??.... And I've known him/been "with" him for almost 2 years...
....ugh I guess I should also mention that for all intents and purposes..... I am.. In fact... Still legally married to my first husband... He didn't hit me... Didn't abuse me... Wasn't a BAD guy... He was just... Lazy... And not just "doesn't pick up his socks" lazy or "doesn't offer to help with shit around the house" lazy (I mean he WAS... But that I can deal with).. He was lazy in the relationship... Didn't make time for me...didn't include me in his time off from work... Like he was off weekends... I had to work till 12pm sat & sun... But I'd get home by 1245 or 1pm... So that's like... Hang out time... Right????.... No... I'd get a text at 9am (while I was at work) saying, "I'm gonna hang out at __________'s house".... The first couple times I was like "ok no biggie we'll hang out later... Or... Tomorrow... Couples need fucking time apart too... All good... I'll read me some books.... Paint my nails... Watch fucking America's Next Top Model reruns... Whatever....."
But the kid wouldn't get home till fucking 11 or 12 at night.... Sometimes later and I began to feel very lonely and isolated.... As awesome as I am.... And as fucking hilarious as I find myself... I just don't really have a shit load of friends in my little black book to call up and all that because.... I'm a bitch.... But more because I can't stand females... I just hate the shit they say and do to each other.... I can't fucking stand it...
Anyhow...needless to say... I started to not be happy in the relationship... And I tried taking my husband to dinner... Just him and I... So I could sit with him and tell him without any distractions... That I wasn't happy..... And he'd be like "ok ill work on it".... And then the next weekend would come along and I'd be planning picnics and bike rides in my head... And come 9am... I'd get the text....
.....allot of you are like "who fucking cares... Where is this rant going??".... Shut the fuck up.... I'll get there....
....another point of contention was the fact that I really wanted to start our family.... And he.... Didn't... We used to have the "I want the baby to have your eyes and your nose and my lips and...." convos.... But then the convos became
Me: (playfully) where's our baby?
Him: (not playful at all) ... We can't afford it.
....since when in the fucking world was that a requirement?? Shit half the people who have kids wouldn't have them...
...but then I started to feel like if I had a kid... I'd only be trying to fill the void in my happiness that my husband should have had....
.....so then.... I met J**.... It was innocent... Started off with "hey this person is way cool and funny and funny to talk to/joke with".... NOTHING HAPPENED PHYSICALLY.... We hung out sporadically.... I lost touch with him a few times.... And then in 2010 we just started emailing and texting and then calling.... And the feelings really picked up from there... But here's the crux......... we have not.. let me repeat that HAVE NOT been TOGETHER (physically) since we FIRST MET...
.... say whhhhaaatt???........... its true... I like to call it our "creepy Christian Relationship" because its like we're both saving ourselves for Marriage... which is so not the fucking case... but we've been apart for 2 years so... you know... we have had a "long distance" relationship since we decided that feelings of love had developed... how did this crazy shit happen? you may well wonder... well... I hate to sound all cliche and shit...but I really do fall in love from between my ears first... then my heart takes hold and I'm gone........ I loved his sense of humor, his strength, his laugh, his openness to whatever I felt like blurting out... He never once was like, "dude you're a bitch" when I would get pissy or mad at him for odd reasons... He stuck in there... and he Loved me... He honestly and without being around my awesome rack...Long Legs... or Bangin "Monroe-esqe" Bod... Loved me... oh yes he was ATTRACTED to me... as i was with HIM... but we fell in love with each other's PERSONALITIES first...which is so much more lasting....
... so He's from Florida... yea... Florida... How'd we meet then??...... use your brain... i ain't gonna come out and say it so use your goddamn brain..... And he works for GM... and those of you who are either A: Clueless, B: too young to care. C: From another country, or D: stupid as a box of hair.... you may know that "The Big Three" (used to be Four but its really GM, FORD, and i THINK Chrysler... but i could be wrong there I'd have to ask J**) went into... Bankruptcy...GM was part of the "bail-out" and they closed a SHIT LOAD of dealerships in the US that had not been performing well... so J**, being a single guy at the time... gets offered a shit-load of money to go all around the eastern United States... closing the dealerships down properly... and then.. WE MEET... and fall in love.... well hes already under contract to close the fucking things down so we both think "if we stick it out... he'll come home and we can start the relationship right and he'll have a good solid job".... so he gets close to finishing... then GM decides that they want to send him to fucking TENNESSEE to REOPEN a decommissioned SATURN factory so it can produce The Chevy Equinox... so that put a wrench in our shit... and I'm thinking "fuck it.. I can do this... I can wait this out"
We're in constant contact... we text... call... phone sex.. the whole deal... we're good... I'm good... its ok... He's been there since OCTOBER... now this place is like 6.1 MILLION square feet big ok... so its taking fucking time.... aaaannnddd... just last month.. he tells me (FINALLY) that hes done.. all he has to do is start the plant up.. it has to run for 72 hours (which i made him convert into days because I'm a moron) with NO PROBLEMS... and then hes DONE.... Well... whatever can go wrong will right???............. a fucking 2 Ton fire door FALLS and crushes the test car... so he spends 3 weeks trying to get this fucking door up and hung back up... without it FALLING FLAT on the floor because then it'll be fucking impossible to lift... and its like a 300,000$ fucking door...
...... and then... one morning... he texts me at 9am or so to ask me how I'm doing... i text back i was "lonely"......... and i get no response.... so at 10am i text "thanks" because i think hes being a dick and just doesn't want to hear me whine anymore........... at 8pm i finally get pissed enough to CALL him..... and his phone is shut off.... my heart drops... all kinds of things go through my head: Did i piss him off???? Is he dumping me?? Did he find someone else and got caught talking to me and the bitch made him shut his shit down??? DID THE FUCKING DOOR FALL ON HIM???? Is he MARRIED and his wife found out and shut his shit off????.... I'm freaking the fuck out....
.....I finally figure I'll email him because i don't have any other way to contact him.... the next day i get an email.... he's been called up by the Marines and he had to leave his job and go with them... now i had to google allot of this shit because J** and I never talked about his job in the Marines... I know what he did... I know his job... I know numbers that normal people do not know.... but I cannot and will not explain what that means because his safety is first and foremost to me... but i had to google "called up"... it pretty much means J** was Active Reserve... and he has been asked back into the Marines because of his specific job making him an asset...
.... so he had to leave his job... which meant turning in his company phone... and go wherever the nearest Marine base was..........
so to ME... he abandoned me... he says he only had HOURS to get his shit and go... i still wonder why he could just fucking text me real quick??...... so there's where my abandonment feelings come from.. i feel like he left me... dumped me... dropped me... i understand NOW that he had no choice in the matter and that by being ACTIVE reserve... it was ALWAYS a possibility that he could be called back up..... but i guess i just took it for granted that the fucking country was coming out of all the "conflicts" that have been going on... and i don't have cable so I've been blissfully unaware of whats going on in the world... and I've been happy as a clam planning our vacation to Hawaii and all over California.... and now.... we're farther apart than before.... and so.. I'm devastated... and every time we email... my feelings of hurt and anger and abandonment come to the surface and we argue... we argue about how he doesn't understand my feelings... and how he feels the same and i don't understand that... and how he never says that he feels the same till I'm pissed so no wonder i don't understand him... fuck... its lame... its very lame....
This has no become the lamest most annoying post... ugh... but i swear i have an idea for the next post that may make up for all this bullshit here.... I'm gonna share with you my favorite websites and tricks to get........ wait for it................. DESIGNER KNOCKOFFS!!!!!! Or Deep DEEP discounted Designer Shoes!!!! yaaaayyyyy.............
and I'll prolly do this post before Monday... and then hopefully still have something for Monday too....
I'm seriously sorry but I felt the need to explain whats been going on in my life that makes me withdraw from shit... and I know its like "well this is just your rants about shoes"... but in my ever present quest for shoes... My dream is and has always been to really come into being a SHOE BUYER for a Major Department store... so i feel that this could somehow segway into such a thing.... iiiffff i could stop cussing ;)
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