THE RULES (see I got there)

***I try to choose photos where the shoes are on feet because it emphasizes my Rules better than me just saying "DON'T FUCKING DO THIS OR YOUR ASS IS GONNA LOOK LIKE A FUCKEN GOOF" PLEASE NOTE: except WHEN I SAY "THESE/THIS IS MINE" or state "MY _____".... Some of the pictures shown are NOT of me/my shoes/My friends or in any way MINE... they are used as EXAMPLES ONLY! and i thank the fine creators of google for allowing me to google rubbish like "baking pump fat" to find said examples***

Now before we get into the MEAT of this whole topic here.... please note: these are MY rules for MY OWN PERSONAL SELF!!! These are things *I* believe and standards I hold MYSELF to... and if/when i go shoe shopping with another female (hardly ever because shoe shopping is a very predatory state for me... we'll blog about the art of shoe shopping later **always "later" with me isn't?...... yes... it is.. i gotta keep you interested SOMEHOW**) i hold THEM accountable by these same rules....

Don't wear chunky heels. Block Heels. Whatever.... just..... fucking......... don't.....it makes your foot look fat... you may not think so or think "well i need a chunkier heel for balance"..... well then FINE... do what you feel you gotta do... but for my own personal self.... i despise a fat ass heel on a pair of pumps... but again... that's just me...

it makes me gag to see these

almost loved these... but i couldn't bring myself to do it....

Don't bother with Kitten Heels.... i did it for my first wedding.... it was lame as fuck and it reminded my why i hated kitten heels... but I'm 5' 11.5" and my husband to be at the time was only 6' 1" so i didn't want to make the pictures look like fucking ass..... thank god the new honey (who isn't my husband yet but might as well be so i call him my husband) is 6' 4".... I'm gonna ROCK me some Slut Heels at our 1920s themed wedding.

To me a kitten heel says "i don't try very hard"

................ I will share something else on the kitten heel front..... as i said... i, my own personal self, am 5'11"............ and i know that for a tall woman to rock at MINIMUM 4" heels seems odd and somewhat unnecessary......... but i have never cared.... and i refuse to believe that anyone else should either. I recently acquired some platform wedges that make me 6' 4" and i cant be happier... its not that i WANT to be taller... I'm just tall... I'm just fucking tall and that's what i have to work with. So if your a tall amazon bitch like i am... tromp around in your favorite 5" heels because baby... fuck em... i had a woman at a museum look me up and down and say "GOD how much TALLER do you have to be???" to which i simply and sweetly replied "Fuck you troll... don't you have a bridge to fucking guard?" i mean jee-SUS..... we were at a fucking MUSEUM for fucks sake! Show a LITTLE (haha) class and decorum PLEASE!

My new Additions AND THEY ARE SPPPPAAARRRRKKKKLLLLYYYYYY!!!!!!

Don't wear shoes you cant walk in (this is a BIGGIE.) I know I say over and over "i don't give a fuck if you are walkin on bloody fucken stumps as long as your shit LOOKS good".......... well notice how i still said WALKIN.... which means you can actually move from point A to point Q... (i expect my bitches to at least be able to Slink into the Bar and make it in to get a drink... and then be able to walk away with said drink)

   Practice PRACTICE PRACTICE honey pie! Walk around the store, around your house... make sure you keep those ANKLES nice and strong or you will become tippy tumbles and you will make people like me laugh....

Don't be afraid of COLOR.... i know allot of girls who have a closet full of fucken tan shoes... or blah ass black... don't get me wrong... black is basic and sexy... and i have a shit-load of black heels.....but it is also boring after a while.

this is half... yes only half... of my black shoe row... but you can see the red and silver (above) and blue (below)

and here you can see my yellow death shoes (I'll explain this one later i swear), orange, purple and pink...

Don't be worried if you have wide or narrow feet... i was blessed with nice narrow feet. (i ain't rubbing it in.. I'm just stating facts... well look)

My Personal bony ass Feets... which are giving me trouble lately because my heels are bruised (no cushion/Meat on em)

       i have a friend who has the squarest feet on the planet... and she rocks some sexy fucken shoes (most of the time........)

These are NOT her feet... but a good example of a wide foot!

  But its OK!!!!!!!!!! you don't have to fret and worry over either situation... THERE ARE SHOES FOR YOU! You just have to adjust what you want based on what you have.... squarish feet? keep with squarish shoes... don't do peep toes cus... well... your does don't peep do they? 





Don't fucking let your toes or heels CLIFF HANG... please...if your shit don't fit.. don't waste money on the fuckers!! At no time will you ever be able to make your toes NOT hang off or STUFF your feet to make your HEELS

I believe this is Nicole Richie... and she should have more sense than this....

i don't know who this is but i see it allot...

Who you tryinna fool boo?

There is NO REASON FOR THIS! Your shoes should fit well or A: you'll hurt yourself and B: you'll look a hot MESS!

Don't let chipped toenail polish ruin your look. If you don't want to take the time to redo your toenail polish...... take it off and throw a nice new coat of CLEAR on... or just buff your situation and go Au-natural....

but for that jank ass polish... this woulda rocked.

Dont show off your feet if you have ugly ass nobby troll feet... im sorry... im sure you know what you got... im sure you understand your feets are ugly... baby dont Dispair! you can become a DO! *the covered shoe DO :)*

Don't. FUCKING. BOTHER. WITH. PATENT. LEATHER. I don't care WHO the designer is, Patent leather looks CHEAP AS FUCK! Did i own a Pair of Peep Toe Patent Leather Guess Pumps? Yes i did... how do you think i fucken learned this rule?!?!?!?!

I um.... I don't like patent leather..... I don't know what possessed me to buy these....

 So with all the shenanigans of the DON'T section you're prolly thinking "well fuck this bitch... she has too many hang ups about other peoples situations/feet/whatever"........... and yes... yes i do.... but as i said at the Beginning of this......... these are MY rules that i hold MYSELF to and anyone crazy enough to ask "what do you think about _________" in regards to shoes............

 so lets get on to some more light hearted good old fashioned fun shall we?


 well since the last DON'T was about ugly feets I'll throw you a bone if you have em.......

 DO wear covered shoes if you have ugly feets..... yes yes this SOUNDS mean.... but there ARE people who have foot problems (nobs and bunions and scary toes..) i ain't hating... i am HELPING.. one pair of shoes at a time!

just cover up your "problem areas" funky toes? no open toed shoes. cracked heels? No sling backs.. use your BRAIN

DO pedicure....i have a ped-egg and all that jazz.. i cannot stand anyone but my husband touching my feet so i do my own... which is all good in this mutherfucking hood... but if you don't mind someone you don't know making sweet slow sensual love to your feet in a tub where they've done it countless times already (remember... you're now with everyone their hands have touched hahahah) then go on with your self and do what you gotta do to keep your situation under control

Do Look at your shoes FROM ALL ANGLES... now this one is the MOST IMPORTANT EVER!!!!! (Then why didn't you put it up at the top you dumb silly bitch?........ because its my fucking world and i do what i want)
  what does this MEAN? you may well ask...... it means.... before buying a pair of shoes.......... look at it in the mirrors....

 From the FRONT: Meaning FACE ON in the mirror... how does it look? You Cliffhangin? You baking bread in your pumps?? because sometimes from the other angles... you cant see what you see full on from the front...

Its hard to get a "front" pic when you're doin em yourself... so this is as good as i got

From the TOP: Look at your shoes from the top... just look your happy ass straight down... do they widen your foot from this angle? do they give you that sometimes odd toe cleavage?

Top View of the First Pair of Heels My New Beau Ever bought me... don't be fooled i picked them out...

 From the RIGHT: turn your foot... you still like the way it looks from the right.... your foot doesn't bulge out? you don't have that odd ass "hump" heels sometimes make the top of your foot have?

These Shoes Cover up my FUCK tattoo...

From the LEFT:  This shows....... your arch.......... and please don't try to clock my ass on my scary ass high arches... YES the picture shows a GAP between ME and the SHOE... but that doesn't happen when I'm STANDING UP... obviously...AnyHOW... From this angle you can gauge how your foot looks as far as if the ball of your foot pokes out or doesn't fit in at all (this happens to me cuz I'm that awkward size of 9.5 or 10)

I know this is a DIFFERENT pair of shoes... but its the only left view i can find

THEN you turn your happy ass around and look at.... the BACK VIEW........ watching Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot and The Seven Year Itch taught me this....

Before i Buy its important to view your shoes coming and going

promotional stills from The Seven Year Itch

Some Like It Hot "Are My Seams Straight?" Scene

with the "are my seams straight?" question....the back view is also important when wearing Cuban Heel Stockings

DO wear shoes that make YOU feel Sexy or Strong or Powerful or Interesting. You gotta wear what you love and what YOU know YOU can walk in! You wanna wear chunky ass heels?
Fine by me... You wanna wear Kitten Heels? Puur on bitch... You wanna wear fucken McQueen CRAB SHOES??? Scuttle on Homie..... you have to wear the shits not me. If you wanna throw THE RULES out the fucken window... hey these are more guidelines for the rest of the non OCD having world!

Do make your shoes a statement. Consciously think of what you put on your feet. Too many people just think "oh its just shoes".... i guess because I'm not much of a clothes horse... I'm more obsessed with shoes. Your feet are truly one of the more constant things as far as size fluctuation in your life... you may gain or lose weight half a size or so... but you never go from a 9 to a 6 or from a 8 to a 12... (pregnancy is different and is a temporary state... one that I'm looking forward to as far as being a MOMMY... but one i am dreading as far as having to waddle by my closet and look in with longing) so in the long run shoes are an investment... for your FUTURE (I'm trying to convince my honey of this) I like to think that being a REAL shoe lover... i don't have to be worried about whats IN SEASON... shoes are always a conversation piece as far as I'm concerned... I have never been out and "dressed up" where there was not at least 3 people to stop me and say "i LOVE your shoes"... it feels good to get complements... and it seems that shoes are an unexpected point of interest for many people... So don't worry kids... because really a great pair of heels never go out of style...

Do buy what pleases you. In the end you're the one who's gonna have to walk in your shoes literally... so please yourself in your choices...

Do Make your shoes your "pop of color"







I guess for too many years "colorful" shoes were only considered for weddings... or proms.... when the girls would dye their shoes to match their dresses.... but now color is EVERYWHERE... and i like to take one color in a dress I'm wearing... usually the color that shows up the LEAST... and i do what i call "draw it out"... i make that color pop more by wearing it on my feet too...

Do Spend only what you can AFFORD! I have shoe fantasies... and i save my money...........well.......... fuck.. fine....... i save my...........husbands money..... to get treats for myself.......... but I'm in a rare situation that if i worked it would bump him up into a higher tax bracket... and he gives the man enough..
     But when i work.. i SAVE my money for the rare one-off Betsey Johnson (which for having the oddest fuckin shoes the bitch charges an arm and a leg for em... maybe cuz she don't sell many because you have to be in the MOOD for a pair sometimes?) or Christian Loubontin..... So don't get your lights cut off or your car repoed because you cant stay off the Internet or out of the stores (trust me i have a friend who is ADDICTED to shopping... for ANYTHING)


   And above all DO have fun. Nothing in life is really all that serious... and half the fun is in the acquisition of a new pair.



So there you go... there are "THE RULES".... which are more like guidelines... and are always grey... well i say their grey for y'all because as I've stated before... this is what I've learned... see it wasn't so scary was it? Wasn't so bad.... and again... these are MY standards... I'm just sharing them because maybe they can help people... or at least make people more aware of the possibility to put art on their feet =)

 And with "The RULES" out of the way... we can move on to more important things... like "the hunt for the perfect shoe" and "buying awesome designer Knock-offs" and "the art of shoe shopping... aka shoe hunting on the Serengeti" and then we'll do like a whole "people of walmart" type of "shoes that annoy me" rant...

......... stick around... I'm not as much of a bitch as i play on TV......


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