The Art of Shoe Shopping

shoe shopping.... for me.... is an art form... it is... as I said in last weeks blog... a predatory state... in which I hunt and stalk my prey... and carry the carcass around with me....

 So you're asking yourself "what in the bloody hell is this girl talking about?????".......... allow me to take you on a journey with me... one that my poor husband and brother has had to go on time, and time, and time, and time again.... close your eyes.... well don't... you have to read.... so imagine, if you will, a crowded shoe store. A beautiful metropolis where shoes lay before you as far as the eye can see.... we can be anywhere you like.... DSW perhaps? or are we at... Macy*s sales racks? ......whatever..... now I want shoes.... anyhow....

      For this exercise we're going to take a pretend trip to DSW because this is where I have to do this the most... but I LEARNED this at Sample Sales in San Francisco and honed my skills at Nordstrom Rack in Sacramento.....

     This is what is going through my head as I take it all in: so the store is teeming with bitches... and they all have one thing on their mind.... they want what I want.... everything and anything I have come for or may find... they fucken want it....and in actuality... they may not... and usually they wouldn't DARE try to wear the shoes i prance around in.... but in MY head thats what is happening. They want the limited prey that I have my eyes on....

    but I had to learn this the hard way my sweets... so I am going to give you a heads-up on what to do, how to do it... and how to do it RIGHT.....

  So you glance around... and you're getting the stank-eye  (real or imagined... doesn't matter to me)... so you break off from the pack (this is where shopping with a "friend" gets annoying because you cant ditch the bitch to go out on your own unless you each wear a different size) and you stalk your way up and down the aisles of your specific shoe size... (ever notice those size 6 twits get racks and racks of shoes????? and sometimes they even try to be assholes and slip some of theirs in with yours? I fucken HATE that).... but you're prowling your racks... looking them up and down, left-to-right, right-to-left.... and then BAM you spot something that makes your heart flutter... and you take it out of the box... only to discover that its patent leather... fuck that shit.. you throw it down on the floor... discarding it as lame or somehow diseased.... only the strong survive here children....

 AND THERE... another flash of something you know your heart has been in need of... what is it? Betsy Johnson... with a 50% off sticker? And its not hideous?? And it doesn't look like something she slapped together in one of her drug-induced "inspirations"????  AND its actually YOUR SIZE?????? So what do you do???????? You take ONE SHOE out of the box... whip your shoe (and sock if your one of those who wear those kinda shoes *hey to each their own*) and you stick that baby on your foot.... and you do the MAIN rule.. you look at it FROM ALL ANGLES.... and its perfect... you love it... so.... you take it off of your foot?? NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!!!! you WEAR that bitch! you keep that shit on your foot and you HOBBLE your ass around to the next rack!!!! Don't even bother to grab the shoe box for the match.... WHY??????............ because that leaves you more room in your arms for..... MORE SHOES... duh!

 As you're hobbling along like one of the THRILLER zombies..... you spot.... LEOPARD PRINT PEEP TOE SLING BACKS..... WOOOSH off comes the other shoe and sock and ON goes the peep toe... and you apply your ANGLE rule... and you love it... but oh shit... you have something pretty similar already in your closet at home... just this one is calf hair.... do you risk it and take it anyhow?? maybe...keep it on and either throw your original shoes in your purse... or have your significant other (or brother if he's unlucky enough to be with you...) hold them and traipse off... are we wearing two different shoes now? yes...yes we are... now you turn the corner and you see one of those little bench things that doesn't have anyone's ass on it... now here's your chance to be sweet.... have your shoe holder (spouse or other but NOT YOUR PURSE...please don't leave your own shit unattended unless its TRY ON TIME and you're going to be RIGHT THERE WITH IT) sit their (un)happy selves down.... (this way they don't bitch the WHOLE TIME you're moving on) and keep on your merry little way... oh... your heels aren't the same height?..... deal with it! if that's your only complaint on this journey consider yourself lucky....

 Moving on you spot something else... a flash of pink... blue (not likely since blue heels seem to be scarce) or some other color you're in search of... oh shit... what do we do? both feet are occupied... that's OK... NO DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR SHOE HOLDER! You take ONE shoe.. and you HOLD ON TO THAT BITCH... you caught it... its yours until you say otherwise... so hold onto that muther.... and keep going... half a row down there's something else that tickles your fancy... apply the same strategy and just hold on to it... keep going till your at the end of your size section... at this point you have two different shoes on your FEETS.... and saaaayyy.... 3 or 4 different shoes in your arms.... unless you are that awkward size of 9.5 OR 10 like i am (or whatever HALF size you may be... you may be 6.5 BUT can also WEAR a 7.... or 8 or 8.5... i find that sometimes you can go UP half a size... but never DOWN *unless you're a freak like i once was and was able to go DOWN instead of UP... which doesn't make much sense.... it was because of my eating disorder... which I don't recommend... but I did get to try three different sections of shoes so THAT was fun*... sucks don't it?) so anyhow... depending on where you are in sizes.. or if you cant budge either way and can only wear YOUR SIZE... you may have an arm-load of booty...

 This is ok... and preferable... this allows you to go back to your shoe holder at this time... (if you didn't have a shoe holder and you've been carrying all your shit yourself this is ok too... you simply take your prey to one of those bench things...) and you dump your kills.... and NOW you can take off your original two finds.... and of course trade them for one of the ones you had in your arms.... and you simply apply the Angle Rule to each shoe.... or get an opinion of your lover or friend or other such "shoe carrier"... so let me say here... my honey doesn't mind shoe shopping as long as he gets his seat... he likes to look at me in the heels just as much as i like lookin at em...

  So now we've seen them all... at this point.. we've pretty much narrowed it down... so say out of... 6 shoes... we love ONE PAIR... or Two... or hey fuck it we want those pair of peep toe leopard print sling backs even tho we have a similar pair "somewhere" in our closet (right next to the giraffe print double platforms... but don't worry I wont tell if you don't) we'll get em.... so say you love two of the 6... NOW it is safe to venture BACK to find the boxes and the MATE to the shoes you left behind... What do we do with the cast off/discarded shoes tho?.......... fuck em... leave em... they cant be helped... there's no hope for them now...let the vultures have em... because whether you know this or not...there may have been some buzzards circling you.... especially at the all dreaded SAMPLE SALES.... they're just waiting for you to lose your focus and drop something or put it down and walk 2 steps away from it then SWOOP! That bitch has what you may have decided on if you'd had the chance to really look at it.... this is where the SHOE HOLDER REALLY  comes in handy... because they could hold your shoes... not just the ones you walked in with... but the ones you hunted for and claimed as your own.... see they could hold ALL 6... while you go back and get ALL 6 boxes!!

  "How do we find our shoes??" well because you are more than likely the only person who understands the art of shoe shopping... you just retrace your steps and look for the boxes with ONE shoe chillin in them... you collect the other half of what you have worked so hard for... go back to your shoe holder... and try on to your hearts content... Follow your RULES (mine, yours, jesus'... whatever... you know you have "rules" even if you don't call them that) and make your choices based on what you need/want/cannot live without....

 There are many reasons I do this and why it works; A: because you keep the vultures from getting something you have yet to see if you'd like; B: to be able to apply your RULES at your own sweet pace... sometimes it takes me a few mins per shoe to figure out if I really want them.. and its always best to have both shoes to make the decisions because sometimes I find something wonderful, put both shoes on.. and find that I walk out of one of them (this is where my half size plays tricks on me) so I cant have them because its not SAFE to have them... and I don't like those heel insert things because... I'm sorry... they simply don't work for me.. I have bony ass feet and those shits just don't add enough to fill the shoe for me... or they still rub and give me blisters....... C: to cut down on the confusion of "did I like this one or that one more?" because you kept them all near you... D: Like a Leopard pulling its kill into a tree to keep the other asshole Leopards from getting to it... you are the only one who gets to mess with the shoes at that time; E: You don't waste any time hemming and hawing till the end... where you have all of your choices in front of you... because if you go shoe by shoe by shoe you waste time in FINDING the shoes that are up ahead that someone may grab out from under your nose because you weren't fast enough to them...


 "What do you do if you go back to your shoe box and its empty? Someones taken the OTHER SHOE??".... just wait... cus usually the vulture is right there... scratching around and trying to figure out where the other shoe is... if you have it on... just wait...if its back with your "shoe holder" great cus they'll never think that its gone that far away. 9 out of 10 times they give up and leave your precious where it is.. so you can swoop over and "rescue" it... IF they don't give up... (and your on some silly kind of TIME CRUNCH...which would be ridiculous if you're SHOE SHOPPING in the first place) you can either decide you can live without it..but HIDE the one shoe you DO have (never EVER just walk back over and place the shoe back in the box... that shows weakness...and that shit will get you killed in this jungle children)... I find shoving the shoe YOU have in the MENS section is always a fun way to get even.... or simply mosey on over and cry "oh THERE'S the other shoe...I wondered where I'd left it...aren't they DARLING??" to which they cant really say shit...especially if you have it on your damn foot or in your hand ;)


It took me a few sales to get this information...but here I am... giving it away for free... why? because I want to share the joy of the hunt with my fellow shoe lovers.... am I afraid that someone I know may use this information against me...to do this said same thing to me? No, because I don't hunt in pairs.... most of my friends cant wear my size...why do you think I let them be my friends? (only slightly kidding there... tho I don't loan shoes out... that'd be like letting a friend "borrow" a baby to get something *revenge?* from someone "look what I have and you don't" when they don't really have it either.) Why do you care so much about shoes? well that's like asking "why do people like their kids?" "Why is the fucking sky Blue?" "Why do bitches gotta hate?"............ because goddammit...sometimes shit just IS........

 So until next week my sweets... take this new found knowledge... apply it...trust me..you'll begin to see "the hunt" in a whole new light... especially after seeing results.


and since this blog as been devoid of photos and is simply full of info... here... heres my shoes all organazized as i call it....

finally found a way to stuff more shoes into the shelves.... the back and front also shows THE ANGLES!!!!

Find me on Facebook and say Hello!

THE RULES (see I got there)

***I try to choose photos where the shoes are on feet because it emphasizes my Rules better than me just saying "DON'T FUCKING DO THIS OR YOUR ASS IS GONNA LOOK LIKE A FUCKEN GOOF" PLEASE NOTE: except WHEN I SAY "THESE/THIS IS MINE" or state "MY _____".... Some of the pictures shown are NOT of me/my shoes/My friends or in any way MINE... they are used as EXAMPLES ONLY! and i thank the fine creators of google for allowing me to google rubbish like "baking pump fat" to find said examples***

Now before we get into the MEAT of this whole topic here.... please note: these are MY rules for MY OWN PERSONAL SELF!!! These are things *I* believe and standards I hold MYSELF to... and if/when i go shoe shopping with another female (hardly ever because shoe shopping is a very predatory state for me... we'll blog about the art of shoe shopping later **always "later" with me isn't?...... yes... it is.. i gotta keep you interested SOMEHOW**) i hold THEM accountable by these same rules....

Don't wear chunky heels. Block Heels. Whatever.... just..... fucking......... don't.....it makes your foot look fat... you may not think so or think "well i need a chunkier heel for balance"..... well then FINE... do what you feel you gotta do... but for my own personal self.... i despise a fat ass heel on a pair of pumps... but again... that's just me...

it makes me gag to see these

almost loved these... but i couldn't bring myself to do it....

Don't bother with Kitten Heels.... i did it for my first wedding.... it was lame as fuck and it reminded my why i hated kitten heels... but I'm 5' 11.5" and my husband to be at the time was only 6' 1" so i didn't want to make the pictures look like fucking ass..... thank god the new honey (who isn't my husband yet but might as well be so i call him my husband) is 6' 4".... I'm gonna ROCK me some Slut Heels at our 1920s themed wedding.

To me a kitten heel says "i don't try very hard"

................ I will share something else on the kitten heel front..... as i said... i, my own personal self, am 5'11"............ and i know that for a tall woman to rock at MINIMUM 4" heels seems odd and somewhat unnecessary......... but i have never cared.... and i refuse to believe that anyone else should either. I recently acquired some platform wedges that make me 6' 4" and i cant be happier... its not that i WANT to be taller... I'm just tall... I'm just fucking tall and that's what i have to work with. So if your a tall amazon bitch like i am... tromp around in your favorite 5" heels because baby... fuck em... i had a woman at a museum look me up and down and say "GOD how much TALLER do you have to be???" to which i simply and sweetly replied "Fuck you troll... don't you have a bridge to fucking guard?" i mean jee-SUS..... we were at a fucking MUSEUM for fucks sake! Show a LITTLE (haha) class and decorum PLEASE!

My new Additions AND THEY ARE SPPPPAAARRRRKKKKLLLLYYYYYY!!!!!!

Don't wear shoes you cant walk in (this is a BIGGIE.) I know I say over and over "i don't give a fuck if you are walkin on bloody fucken stumps as long as your shit LOOKS good".......... well notice how i still said WALKIN.... which means you can actually move from point A to point Q... (i expect my bitches to at least be able to Slink into the Bar and make it in to get a drink... and then be able to walk away with said drink)

   Practice PRACTICE PRACTICE honey pie! Walk around the store, around your house... make sure you keep those ANKLES nice and strong or you will become tippy tumbles and you will make people like me laugh....

Don't be afraid of COLOR.... i know allot of girls who have a closet full of fucken tan shoes... or blah ass black... don't get me wrong... black is basic and sexy... and i have a shit-load of black heels.....but it is also boring after a while.

this is half... yes only half... of my black shoe row... but you can see the red and silver (above) and blue (below)

and here you can see my yellow death shoes (I'll explain this one later i swear), orange, purple and pink...

Don't be worried if you have wide or narrow feet... i was blessed with nice narrow feet. (i ain't rubbing it in.. I'm just stating facts... well look)

My Personal bony ass Feets... which are giving me trouble lately because my heels are bruised (no cushion/Meat on em)

       i have a friend who has the squarest feet on the planet... and she rocks some sexy fucken shoes (most of the time........)

These are NOT her feet... but a good example of a wide foot!

  But its OK!!!!!!!!!! you don't have to fret and worry over either situation... THERE ARE SHOES FOR YOU! You just have to adjust what you want based on what you have.... squarish feet? keep with squarish shoes... don't do peep toes cus... well... your does don't peep do they? 





Don't fucking let your toes or heels CLIFF HANG... please...if your shit don't fit.. don't waste money on the fuckers!! At no time will you ever be able to make your toes NOT hang off or STUFF your feet to make your HEELS

I believe this is Nicole Richie... and she should have more sense than this....

i don't know who this is but i see it allot...

Who you tryinna fool boo?

There is NO REASON FOR THIS! Your shoes should fit well or A: you'll hurt yourself and B: you'll look a hot MESS!

Don't let chipped toenail polish ruin your look. If you don't want to take the time to redo your toenail polish...... take it off and throw a nice new coat of CLEAR on... or just buff your situation and go Au-natural....

but for that jank ass polish... this woulda rocked.

Dont show off your feet if you have ugly ass nobby troll feet... im sorry... im sure you know what you got... im sure you understand your feets are ugly... baby dont Dispair! you can become a DO! *the covered shoe DO :)*

Don't. FUCKING. BOTHER. WITH. PATENT. LEATHER. I don't care WHO the designer is, Patent leather looks CHEAP AS FUCK! Did i own a Pair of Peep Toe Patent Leather Guess Pumps? Yes i did... how do you think i fucken learned this rule?!?!?!?!

I um.... I don't like patent leather..... I don't know what possessed me to buy these....

 So with all the shenanigans of the DON'T section you're prolly thinking "well fuck this bitch... she has too many hang ups about other peoples situations/feet/whatever"........... and yes... yes i do.... but as i said at the Beginning of this......... these are MY rules that i hold MYSELF to and anyone crazy enough to ask "what do you think about _________" in regards to shoes............

 so lets get on to some more light hearted good old fashioned fun shall we?


 well since the last DON'T was about ugly feets I'll throw you a bone if you have em.......

 DO wear covered shoes if you have ugly feets..... yes yes this SOUNDS mean.... but there ARE people who have foot problems (nobs and bunions and scary toes..) i ain't hating... i am HELPING.. one pair of shoes at a time!

just cover up your "problem areas" funky toes? no open toed shoes. cracked heels? No sling backs.. use your BRAIN

DO pedicure....i have a ped-egg and all that jazz.. i cannot stand anyone but my husband touching my feet so i do my own... which is all good in this mutherfucking hood... but if you don't mind someone you don't know making sweet slow sensual love to your feet in a tub where they've done it countless times already (remember... you're now with everyone their hands have touched hahahah) then go on with your self and do what you gotta do to keep your situation under control

Do Look at your shoes FROM ALL ANGLES... now this one is the MOST IMPORTANT EVER!!!!! (Then why didn't you put it up at the top you dumb silly bitch?........ because its my fucking world and i do what i want)
  what does this MEAN? you may well ask...... it means.... before buying a pair of shoes.......... look at it in the mirrors....

 From the FRONT: Meaning FACE ON in the mirror... how does it look? You Cliffhangin? You baking bread in your pumps?? because sometimes from the other angles... you cant see what you see full on from the front...

Its hard to get a "front" pic when you're doin em yourself... so this is as good as i got

From the TOP: Look at your shoes from the top... just look your happy ass straight down... do they widen your foot from this angle? do they give you that sometimes odd toe cleavage?

Top View of the First Pair of Heels My New Beau Ever bought me... don't be fooled i picked them out...

 From the RIGHT: turn your foot... you still like the way it looks from the right.... your foot doesn't bulge out? you don't have that odd ass "hump" heels sometimes make the top of your foot have?

These Shoes Cover up my FUCK tattoo...

From the LEFT:  This shows....... your arch.......... and please don't try to clock my ass on my scary ass high arches... YES the picture shows a GAP between ME and the SHOE... but that doesn't happen when I'm STANDING UP... obviously...AnyHOW... From this angle you can gauge how your foot looks as far as if the ball of your foot pokes out or doesn't fit in at all (this happens to me cuz I'm that awkward size of 9.5 or 10)

I know this is a DIFFERENT pair of shoes... but its the only left view i can find

THEN you turn your happy ass around and look at.... the BACK VIEW........ watching Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot and The Seven Year Itch taught me this....

Before i Buy its important to view your shoes coming and going

promotional stills from The Seven Year Itch

Some Like It Hot "Are My Seams Straight?" Scene

with the "are my seams straight?" question....the back view is also important when wearing Cuban Heel Stockings

DO wear shoes that make YOU feel Sexy or Strong or Powerful or Interesting. You gotta wear what you love and what YOU know YOU can walk in! You wanna wear chunky ass heels?
Fine by me... You wanna wear Kitten Heels? Puur on bitch... You wanna wear fucken McQueen CRAB SHOES??? Scuttle on Homie..... you have to wear the shits not me. If you wanna throw THE RULES out the fucken window... hey these are more guidelines for the rest of the non OCD having world!

Do make your shoes a statement. Consciously think of what you put on your feet. Too many people just think "oh its just shoes".... i guess because I'm not much of a clothes horse... I'm more obsessed with shoes. Your feet are truly one of the more constant things as far as size fluctuation in your life... you may gain or lose weight half a size or so... but you never go from a 9 to a 6 or from a 8 to a 12... (pregnancy is different and is a temporary state... one that I'm looking forward to as far as being a MOMMY... but one i am dreading as far as having to waddle by my closet and look in with longing) so in the long run shoes are an investment... for your FUTURE (I'm trying to convince my honey of this) I like to think that being a REAL shoe lover... i don't have to be worried about whats IN SEASON... shoes are always a conversation piece as far as I'm concerned... I have never been out and "dressed up" where there was not at least 3 people to stop me and say "i LOVE your shoes"... it feels good to get complements... and it seems that shoes are an unexpected point of interest for many people... So don't worry kids... because really a great pair of heels never go out of style...

Do buy what pleases you. In the end you're the one who's gonna have to walk in your shoes literally... so please yourself in your choices...

Do Make your shoes your "pop of color"







I guess for too many years "colorful" shoes were only considered for weddings... or proms.... when the girls would dye their shoes to match their dresses.... but now color is EVERYWHERE... and i like to take one color in a dress I'm wearing... usually the color that shows up the LEAST... and i do what i call "draw it out"... i make that color pop more by wearing it on my feet too...

Do Spend only what you can AFFORD! I have shoe fantasies... and i save my money...........well.......... fuck.. fine....... i save my...........husbands money..... to get treats for myself.......... but I'm in a rare situation that if i worked it would bump him up into a higher tax bracket... and he gives the man enough..
     But when i work.. i SAVE my money for the rare one-off Betsey Johnson (which for having the oddest fuckin shoes the bitch charges an arm and a leg for em... maybe cuz she don't sell many because you have to be in the MOOD for a pair sometimes?) or Christian Loubontin..... So don't get your lights cut off or your car repoed because you cant stay off the Internet or out of the stores (trust me i have a friend who is ADDICTED to shopping... for ANYTHING)


   And above all DO have fun. Nothing in life is really all that serious... and half the fun is in the acquisition of a new pair.



So there you go... there are "THE RULES".... which are more like guidelines... and are always grey... well i say their grey for y'all because as I've stated before... this is what I've learned... see it wasn't so scary was it? Wasn't so bad.... and again... these are MY standards... I'm just sharing them because maybe they can help people... or at least make people more aware of the possibility to put art on their feet =)

 And with "The RULES" out of the way... we can move on to more important things... like "the hunt for the perfect shoe" and "buying awesome designer Knock-offs" and "the art of shoe shopping... aka shoe hunting on the Serengeti" and then we'll do like a whole "people of walmart" type of "shoes that annoy me" rant...

......... stick around... I'm not as much of a bitch as i play on TV......


Find Me On Facebook And Say HI... or Tell Me To Fuck Off... That's Fine Too...

Since its the first week you get two Posts for the Price of One.

Lets talk............ DESIGNERS............... shall we?



 Now let me say here that i am not against a 25$ pair of shoes honey. If they look good (now i said LOOK good not FEEL good... we'll touch on that with my "RULES" in next weeks post) and you can get a killer deal... well shit that just makes you able to buy MORE shoes right?!? (at least this is the rationale i use on my husband... and it seems to work)

  So i have some "cheap ass" shoes i got on ebay... and by "cheap ass" i simply mean that i didn't pay more than $50 for em. And I'm sure there's not a natural fiber on the fuckers (all man-made materials.) Don't trip if your budget dictates your own personal shoe needs. Because darling, i am NOT against a designer knock-off either, and if you stick around long enough i may just share with you some of my favorite websites and tricks to find said designer knock-offs (trust me... unless you re fucking talking to Christian Loubontin... the bitch next to you ain't gonna be able to tell a good designer knock-off from the real McCoy)

Guuuurrrllll... there's just something so sexy and sleek about High Heeled shoes.So Feminine... So sensual. I'm a sucker for a thin ass hooker heel! When you feel sexy in your heels... and you can slink down wherever you re walking... well what else does a girl need? (Besides more Shoes of Course)

     Some Designers are HARD to rip off... and so I'm going to share some of my favorites with you Right now.

1: Manolo Blahnik: The very word of Sophistication... and thanks to SEX AND THE CITY... almost a household name!

The "Something Blue" pump i bought for myself for my Mama's Funeral

     Lets not fool ourselves here... EVERY EVERY EVERY designer misses the mark... repeatedly sometimes...  But fashion isn't fashion if there aren't some things to bitch about...Right Ladies?

2:  Ever Since Alexander McQueen came out with those crab shoes.. (come on now... YOU KNOW THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!)

I hope you Trip and Knock your front teeth out if you think you can rock these

      i have had a love hate relationship with McQueen...... But a few days ago... i fell in fucking LOVE...

Every "Girlie Girl" loves fucken butterflies...

  Usually I love his Boots... i don't personally own any yet but that's because I'm not too much of a boot girl. And i have strange rules about boots too... sorry but like i said.. next week is RULES WEEK... we'll get there....

3:  Jimmy Choo... these are the most uncomfortable shoes i have ever worn (i think its because they are very narrow)... but again... style over substance babies... "if it feels good... you might as well be wearing some troll-under-the-bridge shoes" *see sneakers*

These are on My "I wanty" list... my husband says after we move to Florida... he's crazy

4: Brian Atwood: Quickly becoming one of the more cutting edge interesting designers I'm paying attention to.

I love Visually interesting shoes (another on my "i wanty" list.. don't worry.. we'll blog about that too!

"Vanity".... i fucking NEED these....

6: Christian Loubontin: this has to be my absolute favorite Designer. Sex. Sex. Sex. If you want to feel loved, and sexy, and a VIXEN... then this is the man for YOU. This man understands what a woman IS more-so than any other designer. I'm not saying that he doesn't miss the mark from time to time but i have to say i LOVE more than GAG on the shit he pumps out (well him or the little Asian sweat shop workers.... whatever) You pretty much cant go wrong here. Sling back, T-Strap, peep Toe, Crazy Embellished..... all sexiness!

    Well now i KNOW there are COUNTLESS OTHER designers who WOW and Delight us... and trust me to write a blog about Gianmarco Lorenzi (if you don't know who that is... allow me to introduce you to his Double Platform fucking heels)

I was supposed to get a pair a year and a half ago but got Fucked over by my shoe connection ='(

There's Giuseppe Zanotti

Fish Bone Sandals

 Dior

(Gladiator Heels)

       God the list goes on and on and on... so lets just say... if you're willing to spend the money... there's sex on heels out there....

 And those are all the fucking expensive bastards  i can afford once in a blue fucking moon (and so the designer knock-offs are gonna be our friends) and then you have your AFFORDABLE designers
Betsey Johnson, Badgley Mishka, Gucci (sometimes I'll admit their shit gets crazy but for the most part you're golden) Jessica Simpson, Steve Madden, Guess, Coach, etc, etc, etc.

 So now you know a few of my haves and a few of my hearts desires........ But just remember... you don't have to rock these shits just to have killer shoes.... some of my neatest shoes are ebay scores of off ass brands....... shoes are supposed to be fun and they are as diverse as we are.... just because some motherfucker made more than one thing to turn a profit -doesn't mean that we cant wear them Uniquely.

Lets Start at the Beginning...

***so let  me preface the beginning of this whole journey with the fact that.......... i cuss. I cuss like a drunken horny fucking pirate who hasn't seen land in a fortnight..... so if you have delicate sensibilities..... this is NOT the kinda blog you want to read...... and with that said.... please........ enjoy the show...***


I can remember the first time I realized that shoes were important. I was about four and it was Halloween and i was a Hula Girl. And not the cheesy fake ass plastic skirt with some PJs on Hula Girl.... i had an authentic grass skirt, Hawaiian print bikini, puka shell lei, and a real fresh flower lei, and a head piece made of fresh greenery.... my mother was a florist and could MacGyver anything out of some wire and a few sprigs of flowers....
Well Don't take my damn word for it... Check Me out:

Pretty sweet Right???


              But the one thing that was wrong............. the shoes............ you cant see it in the picture; i don't know if its because i cropped them out because i was still subconsciously upset about the shoes, or if the original photo just cut off there.... but i remember being so upset that they were wrong... just... wrong wrong wrong.... why?....... because they were MOCCASINS... they were blue and had fucking tribal beading and i was so upset i wanted to go barefoot but my mom wasn't having it. That was the first time i remember realizing that shoes make or break the feeling if your outfits. You can actually kinda see my puffy red face in the second picture because id just thrown a level 15 fit trying to get my mom to let me take the shoes off.

So that's just my first moment of clarity when it came to what went on my feet. I can remember being constantly late for school because i would hide shoes i deemed too damn ugly to wear (much to my mothers fucking annoyance.) She actually left me crying on the front porch a few times while she drove off because she was late for work 


Well Enough of that crap... the facts are... I fucking LOVE Fucking Shoes! No ifs, ans, or Buts.... i have a pretty hefty down payment on a house in my closet..... and there's no stopping me.... i am constantly on the search for "the perfect shoe" of any given color or style.

Yes i have multiples of some (different colors of Course) and too many black heels.... but its still not going to stop me.

So this blog is going to be about Shoes, My love of shoes, my Search for the perfect shoe, my RULES about shoes (i have many) and just general info I'd like to share with the world. Let me say; i know everyone has opinions and not everyone's opinions match mine... and hey that's ok... i don't fucking mind. You go on and have your opinion... and if you don't agree or don't like what i have to say about the world.... then go on and write your own shit.

Let the Fun begin....

Yep... those are my babies.... and they cant Wait to meet Y'all!!!!